Never Too Young – Never Too Early

January 20, 2013 by

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I usually sleep in on Sundays. Not because I’m lazy, or because of any “fatherly” ritual about “a day of rest” or anything. I lie in bed and listen to NPR Weekend Edition. My wife hates that shit and it’s the only time I can just take it all in. I hate it too but I figure it’s good to know what those sneaky do-gooders are up to since you cannot trust do-gooders. Read the rest of this entry »

BUNCH: What Happened to Scooby Doo?

December 10, 2012 by

Before I had kids, I figured putting on something like Scooby Doo 2 Monsters Unleashed would be a respite from parenting where you could just plonk them down in front of the TV and then go have sex with your wife or something. Ha!

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IN DEFENSE OF BULLYING

November 26, 2012 by

ON BULLYING

November 26, 2012 by

by Jessica Smith

Long before teens posted nasty comments on their friends’ Facebook pages and adults took surreptitious photos of Walmart shoppers to post and mock on peopleofwalmart.com, there was Vice magazine. It pioneered the art of matching photos of regular people with cutting comments.

Gavin McInnes, a founder of Vice who cut ties with the magazine in 2008, created the infamous Dos and Don’ts in early ’90s Montreal. A bully by today’s standards, he argues that bullying — especially the old-fashioned noogie and purple nurple — is good for children. Read the rest of this entry »

Started with a Sickening Thud

October 16, 2012 by

While doing homework with Beasley at the kitchen table, we both heard it. It was a dull, but eerily sickening thud against the side of the house. I saw a shadow just before. We both thought someone had tossed something against the house.

There it was. A cardinal had struck the house. It was dying. We watched its head move for a few seconds; its beak opened and closed a couple of times. Silently. The body still. And that was it. It died quickly; in 20 seconds or thereabouts. Read the rest of this entry »

A “Liberial™” Arts Education

September 20, 2012 by

My kid is smart. She is smart and she goes to a great American school. Not “Great American™,” but an American school that doesn’t suck like most of them. In fact, it’s been recognized as one of the country’s best. Read the rest of this entry »

A Fish Out To Pasture

August 10, 2012 by

So the fish has been sent to pasture. The fish that never had its own name is now swimming freely. That’s what reduces my dissonance. Read the rest of this entry »

MOVIE REVIEW: BRAVE

July 1, 2012 by

We went to see the movie Brave this weekend with family friends the McCormacks and although the movie was good, it was filled with dated stereotypes about Scots. Read the rest of this entry »

DADS TAKE NOTE

July 1, 2012 by

A lot of parents think their kids are abnormally gifted and cute and that makes it pretty awkward for those of us who do have abnormally gifted and cute children. Our daughter is only five and has already learned to read and write. The notes she leaves us are so precious, you almost can’t read them in public because the squealing will be noise pollution. Read the rest of this entry »

PANCAKE SUNDAY

July 1, 2012 by

It’s fairly noble to have a mommy-lie-in day where you get up with the kids and make pancakes but it is downright knightly to make those pancakes into the shape of their choice. The king of said knights is a nobleman named Jim who not only makes hearts and candy canes, he can perfectly replicate a Millennium Pancake Falcon!

This level of artistry is obviously way out of our league but by trying to come close, I’ve learned a few tricks. Here they are…

My batter was way too thick here so My Little Pony looks more like My Huge Pony.

1. THIN OUT THE BATTER

Make your batter a little runnier than usual. This can be as simple as throwing in another tablespoon or two. Personally, I like to use the Bisquik Ready Mix that only requires water but instead of adding water I like to add milk and an egg. It gives it that extra boost like if you were to take the air box kit out of your motorbike and replace it with high flow K&N filters.

Oh, also, the instructions on the back make way too many pancakes. These are children we’re talking about here so cut each ingredient in half.

Making a Tinkerbell of this calibre without a squeeze bottle is simply not possible.

2. GET THE RIGHT TOOLS

Get yourself a squeeze bottle resembling the ones they put ketchup in at the deli. I believe they’re called “saucing bottles” and they cost about $3 at any cooking store.

When you’re done your mix, pour it back into the measuring cup before pouring it into the squeeze bottle so you have a better spout. If it’s still too thick to go in, you need to add more milk. It should be as runny as a milkshake in July.

Though this pancake looks nothing like Wolverine, I was able to get some lines in there by squeezing them on to the pan at different stages.

3. TIME YOUR LINES

The longer a line is on the pan, the darker it gets so use that to create content within the pancake. If you were to do a Spider-Man mask (nearly impossible) you’d do the eyes and the webs first, then give it a second, then fill in the holes. When you flip it over the web and eyes would be darker than the spaces between them.

This what you end up doing when you make a guy this small.

4. THE BIGGER THE MORE FILLING

Don’t make them too small. Depending on how many kids you have, making the pancakes fist-sized means running back and forth to the stove like it’s the Industrial Revolution and you’re the kid. If you’re hungover and want to expedite things, make a big fat Simba face and she’ll be so stuffed she won’t want any more.

I tried to make a thin point from Spider-Man’s hand to his web and it broke. I should have made it fat and trimmed to fit as it cooked.

5. FAKE THE POINTS

Doing sharp corners is next to impossible, but if you hand them a Batman with blobby ears he’ll think it’s something out of Wallace and Gromit. My Wolverine in number three is a good example of this mistake.

So, while the creature is cooking, get in there with your spatula and cut the bunny ears into sharp points. It’s better to cheat than to deceive.

Here’s the first one I ever did. It’s a shark and I cheated the mouth. When the kids asked what’s up I said it’s a Grandpa Shark.

Originally published on Bunch Family.