BUNCH: What Happened to Scooby Doo?

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Before I had kids, I figured putting on something like Scooby Doo 2 Monsters Unleashed would be a respite from parenting where you could just plonk them down in front of the TV and then go have sex with your wife or something. Ha!

I haven’t seen my wife’s vagina in so long it could fall in the woods and it wouldn’t make a sound.

Apparently you have to sit with them when you put on a movie. They need the finer points of the plot explained and they need you to be around when the monsters come out.

This isn’t a problem when it’s a good movie like Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs or Wreck-it Ralph but Monsters Unleashed is simply not designed for an adult brain.

For example, why the fuck are Scooby and Shaggy still hanging out with these people? If you’re a pothead who is petrified of ghosts, how about you don’t hang out with people who hunt ghosts for a living? I don’t even like going into the basement when I’m stoned and I know for a fact there are no ghosts down there. These guys only go to places where ghost sightings are confirmed. Sorry, but I don’t buy this group of friends.

I watched Scooby Doo as I kid and I get it now. It’s about myth-busting. The franchise has done well for the past 43 years because it shows kids they have nothing to be afraid of. Even if you’re as high-strung as Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and his anthropomorphic dog, all your fears will be assuaged.

Only, in this movie the kids should be afraid, very afraid. The plot involves an evil scientist who creates monsters using a magic machine called The Monster Hive. It doesn’t create holograms of ghosts or generate some kind of flying drone you can stick a costume on. It creates real fire-breathing, electrical monsters that can kill you. Scooby and Shaggy are right to be shitting their pants. Their lives are really in danger.

Isn’t this a contradiction of the whole point? I thought we were watching this to show our kids that ghosts and monsters are fake. I don’t care that it’s just some magic machine that made the monsters. I care that there’s monsters. The “10,000 Volt Ghost” really contains that much electricity and you will die if you touch him. The Black Knight will chop your head off. The Tar Monster can change into anything and he will loom over your head before enveloping you in his darkness until you suffocate. That’s MORE scary than being eaten by a snake!

At the end of the movie they destroy the machine and peel off the evil scientist’s mask to reveal he was some guy they’ve had a beef with for years. Big deal. The fact remains that it is possible to create life-threatening monsters. Hear that kids? A monster could appear at any moment and kill you. Thanks Hollywood!

 -GAVIN McINNES
Originally posted on Bunch Family.
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