DADS TAKE NOTE

by

A lot of parents think their kids are abnormally gifted and cute and that makes it pretty awkward for those of us who do have abnormally gifted and cute children. Our daughter is only five and has already learned to read and write. The notes she leaves us are so precious, you almost can’t read them in public because the squealing will be noise pollution.

As perceptive as she is precocious, my daughter notices that my wife is as easy on the nose as she is on the eyes. My child is a gift from God and sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.

She leaves these notes under our door or pushes them from the bottom of her door and each one has a unique new angle. She’s already established my wife’s beauty and wonderful fragrance so now she focuses on how awesome and cool a mom she is. I mean, how much more adorable is that than your kid? Six times as much?

And let’s not forget my wife’s skills as a parent. I think that’s all there is, right? Beautiful, nice smelling, cool, awesome, and good at mothering. And I thought God was the only being that was All Knowing.

Oh look, little old me gets a shout out. I play a game with them called Rhino Man where I pretend to be Spider-Man’s arch nemesis and chase them around the house. I always suspected I was good at it and it was a cool game but I hadn’t received confirmation until now.

Even my son gets well wishes. My daughter knows he wants nothing more than to be Spider-Man and instead of dashing his dreams, she attaches wings to them and says, “Fly little one, fly.” She has a gift for giving that Mother Teresa would envy.

Not really sure what she’s going for here. Probably another thing about my wife and flowers. I highly doubt “Gro” has anything to do with gross. Our little cherub simply doesn’t have those words in her vocabulary. She’s too pure.

Er, ahem. “Get me out of here”? Yes my angel, we will be taking you to school. But it’s only 8am, so we still have 45 minutes before you need to be there. Not sure what the issue is here. Probably just eager to learn more. It’s certainly not us.

Yeah well you know what? You can’t gob on the mirror in the fucking living room and not get a Time Out. Especially when my father-in-law is right there. You make mommy and I look like shitty parents when you act like that. Oh and it’s “m-e-a-n.”

Look, you got a five-minute Time Out for doing something gross when we had the whole family over. That’s not “mean.” It’s jurisprudence. Can you spell that word? Yeah, I didn’t think so! Oh, and sentences have things at the end of them called periods. You may want to try one out next time you’re insulting people.

Oh you “hat” me do you? Yeah, nice spelling there, genius. You know what? I have had enough of these ridiculous notes. The spelling is so bad, it’s like reading a riddle.
Don’t children realize what they’re saying when they say things like this? My God, it’s like every other word that comes out of their mouth is some bullshit they don’t even believe. From now on, no more note writing. You want to write, you do your goddamn homework. And yeah, focus on spelling. I’ve had enough of these stupid, meaningless notes!
 ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AT BUNCH FAMILY
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3 Responses to “DADS TAKE NOTE”

  1. Katie Says:

    Hi, I just found your blog because of your rant about the Disney Cruise. One of my children wrote notes like these and I have saved most of them. I even keep one note in my wallet. My daughter is now fourteen and is a gem!
    Keep writing!

  2. asdfasdf Says:

    Hey, Katie says you should keep writing.

  3. wntrz Says:

    Haha, hilarious.

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