DO THEY REALLY BELIEVE IN YOU KNOW WHO?

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We left this out for him last year and he barely touched it.

This is a tricky thing to discuss publicly because some kids are old enough to read but not old enough to um, know, about a certain thing involving a December event that defies physics. I am referring to a certain gentleman (besides Jesus) who dominates the holiday with spellbinding feats of generosity. Let’s call him “Dorothy.”

Do they really believe in this guy? On Saturday, I took my kids to a tree lighting ceremony where Dorothy was just standing there like it ain’t no thang. He had a bell in his hand and wasn’t really talking to anyone because the whole lap thing was going to happen afterwards. I pointed him out to my kids (3 and 5) and they could have given two shits. I don’t get that. If I threaten to call him when behavior is bad at home, they practically have a heart attack. This trick works any time of the year. Even in July. My daughter once said, “It’s weird how God is Santa’s boss.” They live in awe of his powers but when he’s standing three feet away, yawn.

Later, they got to sit on the lap of this person and they quietly listed a bunch of expensive toys they wanted and got off. It was as cold as a Russian serf picking up his monthly stipend for bread. How could they not be thrilled they were meeting someone who is one down from God? Then things got really weird. On the road above the event, a second Dorothy pulled up on the back of a flatbed truck. He had music blaring and lights galore as well as a whole posse of dancers who came out to meet the kids. Dorothy 1 just sat there at the bottom of the hill as everyone ran up to greet his doppelganger. Were the kids confused? Nope. It didn’t even register.

Now, my kids are not dim. They are very curious little creatures. When my dad started screaming in a rage at Woody earlier this year they both said, “Calm down Grandpa, it’s only a toy.” So why aren’t they asking questions about multiple Dorothies? And why don’t they care that he’s sitting right there?

Here’s my theory: They don’t literally believe the whole thing the way Born-Agains are said to believe there were never dinosaurs. Their Dorothy beliefs are a lot like your average Christian’s beliefs: Just a groovy kind of a love of the whole vibe of the thing with a perfumed pile of platitudes and a total aversion to specifics. My kids get excited about him making the rounds on the eve of the big day because it’s fun and they know it leads to presents. They line up and sit on his lap because that’s part of the custom. They don’t really think that’s the real guy sitting there. That’s why there are so few questions about what the hell he’s doing here at the busiest time of the year.

Of course, the only way to be 100% sure I’m right is to walk up to Dorothy, yank off his beard and yell, “THERE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT KIDS? INCONGRUOUS HUH!?” If they freak out, I’m wrong and they really do believe the whole story. If they shrug, I’m right and the whole thing is more of a ritual than a belief. And if you really do do this, I will kill you. (Ha! I said doodoo.)

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One Response to “DO THEY REALLY BELIEVE IN YOU KNOW WHO?”

  1. GavinMcinnesIsGay Says:

    what a waste of time, are you disabled, i mean mentally challenged, your incoherant rambling tells us so

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