HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, ALIVEBEAT

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I wrote a list of things you have to give up being a dad. It goes like this…

Fatherhood is the phase after the STDs and vomit phase and it rules. However, you should only embark on this journey after you’re sure you got your YA YAs out because you have to give up about a hundred things.

Here are the Top Ten…

1- NO OGLING
2- NO FEMALE FRIENDS
3- NO NUDITY
4- NO SNACKING
5- NO SPONTANEOUS PARTYING
6- NO HARD DRUGS
7- NO DEVIL’S MUSIC
8- NO MORE TV
9- NO BEATING OFF
10- NO BAR FIGHTS

Explanations of each on GQ.com

Here are a few I forgot to include


This bike is no longer available. 
11- NO MOTORBIKES
I would fucking love to get this Triumph motorbike. It looks exactly like the one my grandfather had half a century ago. And this Stormtrooper helmet would go beautifully with it. However, my grandfather was a self-centered dick who refused to get a vehicle the family could use and he forced my mom and her brother into a sidecar any time they had to go somewhere. Motorbikes don’t have car seats for a reason.
Even if you have plenty of vehicles, what are you going to do? Go for a bike ride? You barely have time to shit. Motorcycles are great for getting pussy but as soon as people start coming out of said pussy, it’s time to put that shit on Craigslist.

12- NO ANTAGONISTIC T-SHIRTS
New York City contains the most hyper-sensitive and politically naïve liberals this side of Berkley. When Bush was in power, wearing an American flag shirt that said “Real Men Wear Stripes” was tantamount to painting a swastika on your face. This “Commies Aren’t’ Cool” shirt says “Die Latinos” to New Yorkers and it makes Puerto Ricans gasp.
It’s fun to antagonize these babies but when you have kids, your mindset goes from FTW to “It takes a village to raise a child.” When you’re at the playground, you’re not looking to pick fights. You’re looking for your kid’s scooter and would appreciate any help from the strangers that surround you. You can’t tell people to fuck off when you need their help.

Also, you can’t have t-shirts with naked ladies or swear words on them or anything else you don’t want to introduce the kids to. Which brings us to…

13- NO SWEARING
One of the best parts of getting a babysitter and going out with your wife is being able to say shit instead of “isht” and fucking instead of “f-ing.” You probably don’t think you swear that much but the sinful pleasure you get after being denied the courtesy make you realize what a huge part of your vocabulary it is. You don’t know what you fucking got til shit’s gone.

-GAVIN McINNES

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2 Responses to “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, ALIVEBEAT”

  1. Ty Says:

    Nope. I cannot get a motorcycle, but I can still go rock climbing (but on in a swishy class).

  2. 13 Things Gavin McInnes Misses Now That He’s a Dad at Bunchland Says:

    […] This article was originally posted to My Dad Homies. […]

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