Dads Make Shitty Coaches (Post 100)


Sorry I couldn’t get a better photograph, but that’s Alan in the middle. The blurry guy. Alan is a loudmouth, and a jerk, and the most insecure man you’ve ever met. Alan is the head basketball coach for a 3rd-4th grade girls introductory basketball team. His daughter’s team.

Alan calls double teams and contests every call. Alan demands the refs call double dribbles and palming (like that’s ever called). They don’t even keep score in this league but to Alan every play is life or motherfucking death. I’ve seen the ref tell Alan to have his girls back off of a full court press or the aggressive box out. I’ve heard other parents call him Alan The Asshole.

Alan’s a yeller, a screamer. A red-in-the-face-disappointed-at-every-flaw coach. Even the parents of the girls on his team cringe.

What’s funny is I’m a very competitive person and Alan makes me angry to the point of wanting to remove him from the gym. I love basketball and even this perversion of basketball, but I understand the subtle nuances of CONTEXT. Sure we want the girls to win. I’d be delighted to have my kid’s team win and play well and have fun, but Alan must be one of these guys who was always picked last on the pick-up teams. He just behaves that way.

I feel like a jerk because I’m no soft-on-kids kind of parent but there are levels of appropriateness to tough parenting.

Dads make shitty coaches because their kids will grow up to hate them and every small dick move they make when their dad’s very public behaviors are clear manifestations of their internal securities.

From my dad homies to all the Alans out there: Sure your team plays well but do us all a favor and shut the fuck up, dude!


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