Archive for September, 2010

Played-Out Fake-Ass “Sentiment”

September 28, 2010

Is it me? Am I the one doing everything wrong?

Am I like the only parent left in my socio-demographic/socioeconomic peer group who doesn’t become a sopping paper bag of dogshit every time someone mentions a child’s goddamn age? You know what I mean, the whole “oh, he’s already seven!” and “…it seems the last time I looked a her she was a baby and now she’s ten!” and the “time goes too quickly now” bullshit. Time goes the same as it always has. Your relationship with time may be fucked but don’t to reinventing physics like a Teabagging patriot, mofo. You’re no Einstein, believe me.

As the socialist, Muslim president would say, “let me be clear here”: I am not talking about all of you. Quit taking offense at shit I’m not even saying about you and pay attention to what I am saying about 99% of you. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

My Dad Homies advice tidbit #1: Pay more goddamn attention to your children and you won’t be so astonished that they grew older right before your eyes and under your nose or whatevs.  Shut up with your fake-ass sentiment, will ‘ya? Go throw a ball or go for a bike ride or do some homework with your kid and you will experience all the subtle nuances. Ask your children questions and you may learn something about them.

My Dad Homies advice tidbit #2: Get your stupid face out of the Blackberry iPhone Android for a minute and you may notice that you have made some babies who are looking at you and waiting for you to pay the fuck attention. It’s like you don’t even know your own progeny. Quit surfing the retarded Facebook trying to prevent your lousy youth from slipping away by finding people you had crushes on in high school. You’re worse than any crack addict and you know it. Grow the fuck up!

If you paid any attention to your children, you’ll be ready at some point–if you’re doing your job right and well–to send your badass kid into the world without all your played-out issues weighing them down like a Catholic-Jew sandbag. They are supposed to be smarter, quicker, more aware than you ever were. Quit micro-managing your children like they work at your lousy office and start preparing them to deal with a world full of mopes raised by mopes.

“Whaaaa! She’s already nine!” Yeah, I know she’s already nine because I’ve been there for each of the 3,300 or so days she’s been alive. I’ve taken her to the ER. I’ve watched them set her broken arm. I help her understand the beauty of algebra. I taught her how to cast a fishing rod and throw a spiral. I taught her that there is no Santa, no god, and no such thing as a limitation to what she can do if she wants to do it. I’m her dad, homie. I represent.

[Even though I say shit like “I can’t wait for her to go to college so I can move my wife to NY,” I’m pretty sure that I will “become a sopping paper bag of dogshit” once she heads out of my household. But at least I’ll know that she knows how to throw a punch, put air in a tire, and use a knife.  I’ll “become a sopping paper bag of dogshit” for all the right reasons.  Not because I forgot I my parental job description and suddenly my kid was 11 and I didn’t notice.]

STFU with the issues coming out of your fake ass mouth as nostalgia just because you failed to notice that you have children and can’t stop tweeting.

NEXT UP: Play dates


September 14, 2010

Sighing and weeping PC tears down my 1970’s litter Injun public service message cheeks.

“Hey, Billy.  Ya’ wanna stop playing the Wii for a few minutes and go outside and play Caucasian invader bovine herder and native Americans?  I’ll be the Caucasian invader bovine herder and I can hug and apologize a lot.”

Ironically, it’s a set of play guns so the Caucasian invader bovine herders are still “shooting” at the native Americans, doy!

See, not Photoshop, fool:

Always Learning to be Average

September 2, 2010

I was at my community swimming pool yesterday and when my child went off to swim with another child I was abandoned within audio range of a conversation between two parents of children the same age and grade as my child. Ooops, I forgot my headphones!

Now while I’m no snoop when it comes to incessant asinine conversations between parents I do not consider cultural or intellectual peers, I am a social observer and am always eager to learn new things. Keep in mind these other parents are–for the most part–college educated from second, third, and forth-tier universities and are in the top-10 percent of U.S. household income. Not hicks by any means.

So as an open-minded, progressive gentleman of the 21st century striving to be the best father I can be, I figured all information is good information and I could LEARN some things (and I forgot my headphones) from other parents. Besides, for some reason these people were totally breathlessly loud and dramatic in their analysis of all things important.

I learned a few things I never knew before:

  • If a student’s math homework is too difficult, the student should just skip the hard problems because the curriculum is too hard anyway.
  • Girls love American Girls dolls and are not good at video games at all.
  • Boys love violent video games like “God of War” and never go outdoors anymore.
  • Moms worry when six graders do not txt that they have successfully arrived at school.
  • Children should not hear about the bad things in the news because they wouldn’t understand.
  • The movie “Psycho” is perfectly fine for eight-year-old children.
  • Children shouldn’t compare themselves with other children or siblings because every kid is different and special.
  • There’s nothing wrong with the letter grade “C.”
  • You have to get your child to bed early on school days because they are grumpy and mean when you wake them in the morning and will treat you disrespectfully.
  • The school’s expectations are just too high.
  • “Things” are so much different today than they were when we were kids.
  • “Doing laps” in the lap pool generally means standing in one end and talking about simplistic bullshit that you know nothing about.

Uhhhh, is it me? Are my expectations too high? Am I the only parent who believes that kids can be challenged? Maybe I’m a dick because I don’t believe kids (esp. girls) have to be stereotyped into very narrow cylinders for a lifetime. Maybe I’m just wrong to believe that children have the potential for intelligence, discipline, creativity, and adventure.

For some weird reason, mediocrity has never been something I comprehended.

I must be one of those progressives that the conservative commentators warned you about.