Archive for August, 2010

Back to School

August 30, 2010

First off, no, that’s not my flag. Are you fucking kidding me? But I can see it from my house like that nutjob Sarah Palin can see the bullshit-for-profit she spews from her cake hole.  Or, Russia from her kitchen, I forget the rhetoric anymore.

Some people in my neighborhood do this thing where they put out different flags for different events/seasons/holidays/whatever. You know the old ladies and suburbanites I’m speaking of so I won’t bore you with those details. Just saying without judgement that it’s totally retarded though. But the annual “School is Cool” flag next door reminds me of two things: it’s back to school time and people are lame as hell.

I almost quit the Facebooks today because of all the sappy crybabies boo-hooing that their goddam kids are going to school. What the fuck are they supposed to do, sit around and be waited on my you all day? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Keeping little Melvin and Sally safe from the immigrants, blacks, and heathens that you heard about from Rush and Fox News. And the whining about having to buy school supplies that the public schools gave you when you were a kid. It’s 2010 and cruise missiles and bank executive mansions are not cheap. So shut up and buy the Pee-Chee folders, it ain’t going to kill you (it’s going to kill Afghans!).

No! Send them little hellions back to school.  Send them back to somewhere! School, camp, Africa, I don’t care just get them away from me. And buy them some Trapper-Keepers and Zig-Zags and whatever else they need with the money you would have spent on downloading all the hits from the 1980’s on iTunes. When did Glenn Beck turn everybody into a sobbing embarrassing caricature of how everyone else sees Americans?

Yes, motherfucker, back to school. Good riddance! Don’t get me wrong but I love my child but school where she’s socializing with other kids (whom she’s smarter than) and learning shit I forgot (like parts of speech) in a structured atmosphere. It kind of sounds like the reason I pay socialist taxes. And you’re crying over this shit? For real? As Nancy Kerrigan famously screamed, “wwwwhyyyyyy?”

What you don’t know is that your kid is totally working you on this. They fucking know you’re a Tea Bagging sap that believes anything they hear so they tell you how saaad and scaawee gowing to schoow is gowing to beee and you fall for that shit like that all that 9/12 Mope and Strange birth denying propaganda. You’re a sucker and they have you at the end of a hook because you feel so gyped by your sad and lonely upbringing. Fact: our kids are much smarter than us because they have the Wii and streaming Netflix and shit.

Grow up! You didn’t see your parents crying over sending your dumb ass to school. And your grandparents would have legally beaten you to within an inch of your life with a gin bottle and an ashtray for smarting off about being afraid of school. What you’d be afraid of is staying the fuck home. We’ve grown soft as a people. The Chinese and the Indians and all the other peoples we hate absolutely ADORE the opportunity to even drive a donkey past a school and you take your kids out of school to got to Disney World. Darwin would laugh and point at Americans.

And don’t get all sanctimonious on me for throwing you the truth. You deserve the truth so I’m dropping it at you hero-style. You should be thanking me. I am your bus driver and I don’t like petulant self-entitled crybabies on my bus.

You want to be sentimental?  Be sentimental over the Constitution or civil rights or something important.  Your lost youth ain’t coming back.  Physics proved it a long time ago.

The end.