Anti-Pastoral Racketbusting Machine


So the kid went straight from another perfect year in school to a short vacation to camp. Hurray camp!

Camp is great. About 15 minutes from home via automobile we are in rural Maryland where she can swim, creek, ride horses, climb shit, hike, canoe, zip line and do all the rest of the outdoor shit kids should be doing all summer while I sit in A/C comfort and type or take photos. No TeeVee, no computers, and no homework (yet! I’ll get her going on that next week).

Life rules for me as usual, thanks.

Anyhoo, this is a day camp so kids either take a short bus or bum a ride somehow. I drive her because I enjoy my time talking with her and listening to music. Since I don’t get to drive much I also enjoy speeding along rural roads. So it’s a treat for me as well.

Camp drop-off and pick-up occurs in three locations depending on your kid’s age or camp specialty. We’re Carpool 3. The vast majority of carpool vehicles are–in order of quantity–minivans, SUVs, Priuses, and beaters like eight year-old Nissans driven by nannies. This is camp so these cars are caked with dirt and Obama/Biden stickers. I thought I was the exception driving a two-door VW GTI. I know, arrested development at 19 intersecting with misplaced rebellion. I thought I was the mid-life dorkus until I pulled up behind a Hummer one day. At least (I figure or rationalize) the camp counselors sort of relate to my car, after all it’s a car for 27 year-old “consultants” with expensive sunglasses and precision haircuts. It’s metrosexual. I’m just a cheap black-Jew in cutoffs who likes to drive really fast.

Then just this past Friday it happened. Well, I heard it first. It was a god-awful thunder of a 400+HP V8, 5 liter Shelby Mustang with racing stripes and pot dealer rims (see photo above). That is one loud motherfucking car! One loud, short-dicked, Ed Hardy, drill-baby-drill, throwback to an industrial America where the Litter Injun cries a single tear. Worse, it was driven by a guy who looked like he could have lived in my neighborhood. Middle-aged white guy with hair gel and kids at my kid’s camp.

As the kids used to say, really? I was totally embarrassed for this dude. This beast of a car was so un-P.C. deafening that the carpool counselors winced every time it moved. Who the fuck drives a car like this? This is ugly America at its ugliest. This car is literally hung like a pinkie toe. This car was my liberal, Muslim, socialist nightmare.

This ridiculous cartoon travesty screams, “I got roofies and Bud Lite, bitches!” I mean, I’m a psychologist and an artist and even I can’t profile the type of person who would drive this car outside of Dearborn, Michigan or Scratcher Winner Arkansas. Was that Rand Paul behind the wheel?

This car was the melting polar opposite of bucolic. And I was offended.

But, blessed be, at least he wasn’t driving a fucking minivan, thankyouverymuch.


4 Responses to “Anti-Pastoral Racketbusting Machine”

  1. tweeder_yah Says:

    When you aren’t rich and you have a child, a minivan handed down to you from you in-laws can be heavenly. I’d much prefer it over any SUV. But then again, this is a rich man’s dad-blog so feel free to disregard the comments of a mere peasant such as myself.

  2. Ty Hardaway Says:

    Well, when you put it that way…

    Not a rich man’s dad-blog, believe me that. So, big props for hand-me-down mini. SUVs are illin’ for sure. And Shelby Mustangs are the devil (my two-door car is probably pretty satanic too but it’s the lightest 200 H,P 2 liter turbo available…oh wait, lightest other that the TT, my bad).

    Not rich! None of us!

  3. BlessedBe Says:

    Thanks, tweeder_yah. I feel you, as a parent basically forced to pay my in-laws $10K for their used minivan when our second kid came along. (They are retired with pensions and all but hey, that’s OK.) They now drive (you guessed it) a VW and a Prius, and have a third vehicle that goes with their vacation home. (And I just spent $560 getting the fucking minivan fixed, thankyouverymuch.)

    $ummer camp$ require ca$h.

  4. Swagger Wagon « Mydadhomies Says:

    […] even my brain. Man Van.  Sit on that for a minute. Juxtapose the Man Van with the Shelby here: [clicky]  If you’re going to drive a minivan, just drive a regular one, not one that is dressed up […]

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