The kids wanted to see Shrek today but I just couldn’t bear seeing those hideous cartoons again. They’re less life-like than the characters in Toy Story and the characters in Toy Story are fucking toys. Besides, somebody from Scotland needs to tell Hollywood that Mike Meyer’s accent sounds like someone who’s never been there making fun of how it sounds. I grew up with Glaswegian accents screamed drunk all over the house and to hear them done badly, cheapens those memories.

So, I managed to brainwash the troops into getting on the subway and trekking up to Time Square to see How to Train Your Dragon in 3-D. After dealing with sneering pigs on welfare who had a problem letting my wife sit with her kids and then having to shell out $50 in tickets, I was worried I had made a huge mistake. Then the movie came on and my brain got splattered all over the roof of the theater. How. Lee. Shiiiit. The drawing is stunning and even when the hero is flipping through a guide book, each page looks like the kind of thing you want to frame and put in your living room. Although the dragon you see in the posters is kind of corny, the main dragon responsible for all the evil in the movie has to be seen to be believed (briefly visible above at 1:44 and the very end). I am going to buy the movie and photograph it just to show you. He is a six-eyed dinosaur monster bigger than a mountain with wings the size of football fields. His ridiculous immensity is the kind of thing you’d expect from Monty Python but they combine it with a really advanced sense of design and style that makes you shush your kid’s questions lest you miss even one second of detail. It’s not filled with a lot of jokes which is why it didn’t destroy at the box office but kid’s movies today are so focussed on Laughs Per Minute I feel like I’m watching stand-up in the Catskills 50 years ago.

This was not another example of the Born Agains over at Disney churning out some inside jokes for the folks while the kids watch a ginger bread man do a stupid dance. This was a beautifully drawn pant-shitter of a cartoon that is as easy on the eyes as the authentic Glaswegian accents are on the ears.

I hereby offer a money back guarantee to any of my Dad Homies who see it and aren’t blown away.



  1. Philly Dad Gabe Says:

    Any opinion on appropriateness for a 4-year-old boy? Is it jarringly scary? I’m dying to take him, but I haven’t gotten a bead on whether it’s going to give him nightmares or turn him into a dragon junkie.

  2. Gavin McInnes Says:

    It’s intense but I don’t think it goes too far (especially for a NY kid you’re trying to toughen up). For perspective: I think “Monster House” is right on the edge and “Coraline” is too scary for anyone under 35.

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