What Easter Taught Me About the Future of America

by

I see it, right-middle

The girls are older now.  But the moms still think an Easter egg hunt is cute.  Like Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, and birthdays Easter is another in a series of childhood loot grabs.  I played along because I didn’t want the sighs, stares, or lectures about “community and cultures and traditions” again.

The “hunt” generally consists of callously “hiding” eggs for the kids to “find.”  I was the egg hider this year.  As my friend Seany Hi-Def said, “they must have picked you because of your expertise of hiding weapons, drugs, stolen money, babies, and white women.”  I don’t even know what that means but I’m still laughing aloud.  Perhaps it’s race related.

But hid I did.  Coffee in one hand, eggs in the other.

Anyway, remember when we were kids?  We’d hockey check the weak and hoard the booty.  It was a free-for-winner-take-all viking pillaging!  Ahhh, the good ole days!  Now?  These were this year’s egg grab instructions (and when I say “eggs” I mean the eco-terror variety filled with teeth-rotting candy):

Mom #1:  “OK, girls, Ty has hidden seven eggs in each back yard.  If you find your seven, you have to help the other find hers.”

Mom #2: “Yeah, each of you will finish with seven.”

AND I read this posting from a mom on a famous social media site: “Kids nicely waited in their bedroom until I was out of mine to start their hunt. They followed the rules and made sure each kid got an equal number of eggs. They enjoyed their goodies and did not ask for more.”

WHAT?!  SINCE WHEN?!  Rules?  Helping?  Equal? Waiting? Didn’t ask for more? Since the shit when?  What are these kids learning from Easter?

Let’s see…America is barely literate anymore, manufacturing sucks, the economy is in shambles, and we are racist pricks.  We got Tea Baggers, American Idol, and no more dodge ball because someone might get hurt.  Look where Rules, helping, equality, and waiting got us.  We’re not at all hungry anymore.  In fact we’ve video-gamed,  and participant-trophied our long-lost bad ass “culture” to the precipice of being overrun by the Chinese.  No, forget the Chinese for now, we are so soft and lazy and catered-to we now risk defeat at the hands of Mexico.  No!  We have so pacified, Purelled, and bubble-wrapped our fat, lazy, addicted, helmeted, “special needs” children, we are going to be overthrown by CANADIANS!

People.  Competition is the hallmark of evolution.  You cannot have “survival of the fittest” if you don’t fucking know who the fittest are.  You cannot get better at something if your goal is to be the same as everybody else.  Why try anymore?

I have to bite my cheeks to a bloody pulp because at soccer games I have to hear, “You’re ALL winners!” since they DON’T KEEP SCORE so the LOSERS don’t get their FEELINGS HURT.  What are we teaching our kids?  Life’s never going to be fair.  You’re not all winners.  You’re really not.

Happy Easter, crybabies!  The future of America is grim.

My advice?  Get your kids some flannel shirts and skip orthodontia.  Learn your kids that “about” is properly pronounced “aboot, eh” because now that we have socialized medicine, the Pledge of Allegiance is aboot to be replaced with “O Canada, we stand on guard for thee,” eh.  Heck, even Obama was drinkin’ a Moosehead the udder day, hoser.

ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ! ᓇᖕᒥᓂ ᓄᓇᕗᑦ!
ᐱᖁᔭᑏ ᓇᓚᑦᑎᐊᖅᐸᕗᑦ.
ᐊᖏᒡᓕᕙᓪᓕᐊᔪᑎ,
ᓴᙱᔪᓗᑎᓪᓗ.
ᓇᖏᖅᐳᒍ, ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ,
ᒥᐊᓂᕆᑉᓗᑎ.
ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ! ᓄᓇᑦᓯᐊ!
ᓇᖏᖅᐳᒍ ᒥᐊᓂᕆᑉᓗᑎ,
ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ, ᓴᓚᒋᔭᐅᖁᓇ!

All hail Prime Minister Palin of the Tea Bag coalition.  You betcha!

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8 Responses to “What Easter Taught Me About the Future of America”

  1. The Professor Says:

    CLASSIC. Yeah, I get lots of grief from M. about ruining the “magic” of
    childhood. Give me a break. “Magic”. Like being a kid in an upper middle-class
    household, living in the suburbs, going to a “good” school isn’t “magic” enough.
    We need to fill our kids heads with BS about candy giving bunnies.
    AHHHHHHHHHH.

  2. Philly Dad Gabe Says:

    Ha! Fucking great! (Can we say “Fuck” on the Dad site? If not, change my response to “Hecka great!”) Thanks for venting for us all.

    Believe me, I’m the product of some pretty serious “ass-wiping by others” and I feel particularly ill-suited to competition. The only time I truly thrived in school was when I transferred to the Quaker school — everyone plays a sport, even if you suck, and luckily, most of us sucked, so I felt pretty good. In public school, I got cut from the 7th grade team, at GFS I was a varsity baseball starter! When I got to college I thought I’d give it a go, until I realized “I don’t know how to compete. I know how to play, but not compete.” And life, unfortunately, is a competition. I didn’t even stay for the whole first day of tryouts.

    I wish I had learned that you’re going to lose sometimes. Oh, and by the way, if you can’t accept that you’re going to lose sometimes, you’re a loser all the time. Yeah, you, Fatso. You’re a loser. Now pull up your shorts, run 10 laps, get your ass in gear and give it the old college try.

    As usual, thanks for your insight.

  3. Grayman Says:

    I concur.

    Avoiding competition and constantly trying to achieve a consesus on every issue imaginable is destroying the mindset of the U.S.

  4. Future Hoser Says:

    I couldn’t agree more with Ty and all of you. All the sensitivity training our Dr. Spockian parents pushed on us…although I’m glad to be one who can empathize/sympathize and care for other people in the correct manner, it’s also cut the balls off my ability to compete.

  5. Ty Hardaway Says:

    I do feel that I can empathize/sympathize as well but, “you’re so competitive” can sometimes be a compliment. Ask Darwin.

    Fortunately I’ve won more than I’ve lost in this life. And I dislike the sting of defeat.

    Represent.

  6. Benjamin Says:

    “As my friend Seany Hi-Def said, “they must have picked you because of your expertise of hiding weapons, drugs, stolen money, babies, and white women.” I don’t even know what that means but I’m still laughing aloud. Perhaps it’s race related.”

    maybe the funniest ty paragraph in history

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