Dogshit Shoe Decision Making Machine


So when you get home from an evening walk with the family and you discover that your kid has stepped squarely in somebody’s fucking dog’s fucking dogshit, you have to make decisions quickly.   And who makes decisions like us fathers, right?  If anything, we are quick, decisive, and authoritative.

1) Where in the house did the kid walk before she discovered dogshit on her shoes?

A) Took shoes off at the back door.  Quality, consistent parenting saves the day again!

B) Came in back door and took them right off.  Close call, nothing a damp paper towel won’t solve.

C) Came in front door, walked through house stopping in kitchen, walking on the stairs and over Persian rug and shouted from the back of the house, “what’s this on my shoe?” Fuck!

2) How old are the shoes?  Can they be tossed?

A) The kid looks homeless in them.  Toss ’em!

B) Could get away with wearing them in school play.  Toss ’em!

C) Eighty-five year-old grandma just bought them from specialty Adidas store in New York this past weekend. Fuck!

3) Where’s the wife?

A) At work.  Toss shoes out.  Out of sight, out of mind.

B) Still talking to neighbors about the community garden or some boring shit.  Toss shoes out.  Quickness rules.

C) Looking right at you because she’s not going to clean any dogshit. Fuck!

4) Who cleans dogshit?

A) Kid cleans because she can learn from the experience.  Hurts me more than it hurts you, honey.

B) Wife cleans because she’s a do-it-all high-achieving supermom who knows that husband’s hands are his livelihood!  Thank god for angels.

C) Dad cleans because he’s low-man on dogshit totem pole. Fuck!

5) When to clean dogshit?

A) Immediately so kid can understand the troubles you go through for her health and the cleanliness of her home.  Wife provides educational commentary.  Good parenting never takes a holiday.

B) In the morning so kid see the work involved in the warm, sober light of the morning.  Puts off the inevitable but drives point home.

C) Immediately while the wife and kid go up for bath and to listen to Naked Brothers Band. Fuck!

6) How is father rewarded for diligence?

A) Kid thanks father and draws a picture for refrigerator of smiling dad scraping dogshit from new shoes with a stick.  Awww!

B) Grateful, relieved, love-making.  Is this a dream?

C) As reward, dad gets to watch CBS’s Survivor on TiVo. Because life is good.

If you answered anything other than straight-Cs you’re either single or a goddamn liar.  As I’m certain all My Dad Homies can attest, I still taste dogshit this morning.


2 Responses to “Dogshit Shoe Decision Making Machine”

  1. spleazeball Says:

    Exchange “dog shit” for “cat puke” and swap all the pronouns over to the opposite gender and you’ve got the story of my life.

  2. Benjamin Says:

    Dude, I totally hear ya on this. So much so that I’d actually go one step further:

    1. Take DNA from every dog as part of pet registration
    2. When my kid steps in shit, cops swab shit from her shoe
    4. Owners will remember to clean shit of their next dog off the sidewalk.


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