Land of Misfit Toys in the Attic


So last night as I was getting ready to go to bed — after, ironically, watching NBC’s Parenthood utilizing the TiVo® technology — The landline started ringing.  I wondered who died because the landland only rings when there’s either an emergency or someone is trying to sell me something I don’t want like a Democratic majority congress.  And it was 10:00…at night!  Who the fuck calls a man at 10:00 on the goddamn landline on a school night?  Why we still have a landline I don’t even know.  Not my decision.  When it rings I cringe.  So I answered to get it to stop ringing.

It was My Dad Homie™ Gavin on the landline.  And it was an emergency.  MDH™ Gavin was pulling one of those “assembly required” routines with some new plastic toy hecho en China for one of his lovely little (racist) offspring.  He called to express his dad-frustration at how “fucking cheap” this “fucking shit” is “fuck my life!”  Basically I got autodialed by 1-800-fuck-nut or some shit.  He wasn’t even at the assembly stage yet.  MDH™ Gavin was still fucking unpacking the shit.  He basically put the phone on speaker and proceeded to beat the shit out of the packaging.  Ha!  “It’s both fucking shrinkwrapped AND goddamn fucking twist tied to death” he noted.

I just hung up and went to bed.  I ain’t got time for this.  It was Wednesday and I had my weekly lovin’ to get to.  But as I was dozing off to dreamland (eight minutes later), I was reflecting on how bad kids toys do suck.  I grew with great toys like G.I. Joe with kung-fu grip.  Represent!  No Furbys on acid or any of that scary “batteries required” bullshit like LeapPad®.

I decided to do some toy research for MDH™ because I’m altruistic like that.

My daughter is on the cusp of 8 and I figured I’d ask her about toys.  I wondered what were some of her best and worst toys.  She’s an only child and I can talk to her like I do other adults (I was an only child too so I know).  So I asked her this morning, “Hey baby, what were some of your favorite toys and which ones were not so good?”  Get this, she answers, “Why are you asking me this?  What is this for?”  I had to negotiate for the information.

Anyway, I got the dope.  Here are the good toys (or things she spends time with):

  • Nintendo D.S. – I was resistant at first but I figured (and argued with her mother) that she should not be excluded from this skill set.  It would be something she and the other kids could have in common.  Well I never had expensive and cool shit like this so it was fun to hook the kid up.
  • Skateboard – Not some cheap plastic piece of shit, but a real Jr. sized skateboard complete with double tail and precision bearings.  I was a late ’70s, early ’80s LA skate rat so that was a no-brainer.
  • Bike – Not some cheap 300 pound piece of shit with white tires and tassels, but a real aluminum Jr. sized BMX.  I was a BMX racer so I wanted the hook the kid up.
  • Legos (doy)
  • Art Supplies (doy #2) – I had to start buying her her own supplies because she kept using my shit like she somehow owned it.  Now she has bins of supplies that I borrow like I somehow own it.
  • Razor scooterIt’s so fun!  I mean, for her.  I tried it to see what it was like a couple of times, but she loves it.
  • Cameras – My cameras, her mom’s cameras (doy #3) – We finally bought her her own camera since she became proficient using ours.  In fact, she taught me a thing or two about my new SLR that I never bothered trying.
  • iPod – Again, after basically stealing ours, we finally got her her own iPod.  Now the problem is I have to keep downloading shit for her.  It’s like I’m her Coolie, she buys more iTunes shit than I.  But the good deal is we can share music interests.
  • Trains – Do you know how much that Thomas the Tank Engine shit costs?  Thousands of dollars later we gave all that shit to a neighbor.
  • Tech Deck Skateboards – Just fun.
  • Books (doy)
  • Guitar – Uncle Rich from the Kingdom of Leisure sent her a real 1/2 sized electric with two real amps.
  • Drums (my drums) – She says she wants to take drum lessons.  I said study piano first.
  • Her American Girl Just Like Me doll.  Narcissistic kids!

At least it’s not all about me so shut the hell up.  Like MDH™ Gavin said, “You’re welcome, world.”


4 Responses to “Land of Misfit Toys in the Attic”

  1. Benjamin Says:

    Here’s what I want to know, and don’t steal this rant:

    When the FUCK did all the kids’ toys battery compartments start requiring SCREWDRIVERS??? Is that some bullshit? It is absolutely my #1 kid toy gripe.

    I hate lawyers.

  2. Ty Hardaway Says:

    ^^^ I taught my kid how to USE A SCREWDRIVER. America is for retards.

  3. PBG Says:

    I’ve got li’l uns and I want to know, in your humble opinion, what is the statute of limitations on throwing their shit away. The youngest is 2.5 and we’ve still got fabric books clogging the works. I think the wife is clinging to some obscene impression that there’s an outside chance we’ll shoot for a girl on #3. I, on the other hand, will self-vasectomize when that topic is explicity raised.

    Point being: they’re not going to go to any further use. And I’m sick of tripping on Pee-Pee Elmo and hearing him fuckin’ piss his pants ’cause I didn’t get him to the potty. I’ve got enough to deal with without having YOU fuckin’ yanking my chain, Red Boy…

    Thoughts, advice? Discuss.

  4. Ty Hardaway Says:

    ^^^ I could do a whole post on when (and how) to throw shit away. My wife would be on that TeeVee show horders if I wasn’t constantly throwing shit away when she’s not home.

    Every 1st Thursday of each month we have bulk trash collection. I walk the house with big garbage bags and fill ’em up. NOBODY EVER NOTICES SHIT THAT’S GONE.

    Make it disappear. No statutes involved. Disappear that shit but save just enough so the mom goes, “awwww” every now and then. I was lucky that we had another round of babies to give shit to.

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