Archive for February, 2010

The Dad Rules

February 25, 2010

A mom-friend of mine told me that their 9 year-old called her “world’s worst mommy” and slammed the goddamn door on her.  I was like, what?!, “Dad Rule #4!”  And she was like, “huh, rules?”  So yeah rules…guidelines…stuff to remember or whatever.  I mean, so many parents just totally suck at parenting that I figured that if I do one thing well in my life it may as well be parenting.

So I showed my mom-friend the stuff:

1. Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Well, this nugget loosely translated means be aware of your behavior and how that balances with your attitude because if you don’t, you may someday wake up a total loser. This really should be life rule #1. It’s about decisions and choices. As we develop and mature we are presented with increasingly complicated behavior and ethical choices. My suggestion is a person should always pause to ponder the possible consequences of one’s choices (check yourself).

2. Skills pay the bills – If you go through life and learn nothing, your life will basically be the sum of your knowledge: nothing. Your cumulative life skill set roughly translates to your ultimate earning power/happiness quotient/etc. Knowledge and your skills can create a cycle of opportunity.

3. Take your time pooping – Seriously. Consider this well. If you distill it to basic life functions and you find that you just must for some reason somehow rush your movements (or worse squelch your movements) then you just may be living your life wrong. I mean absent predator attack or other danger one should really let the body work at the body’s pace. How you treat your body will affect how you treat your life and the lives of others. Grab a magazine on the way in.

4. Petulance will not be tolerated – Nope. You are not allowed to whine, slam doors, or talk to anyone in a disrespectful manner. It reflects poorly on yourself. If there is a reason you are irritated or annoyed; huffy; snappish; irritable; grouchy; bad-tempered; or ill-tempered, we am more than happy to discuss it with you and help you find a resolution. There is a place for anger and debate. But consider how and when you chose to use them.

5. Sometimes you just have to play the game – People will give you stuff. Sometimes (perhaps often) the social game can feel intolerable. We all have certain family, work, and school obligations. We all have hoops to jump. Some of these obligations may feel beneath us. Other tasks are duplicated ad nauseum. And some situations are just plain boring. So? Why be a jerk about it? Just play the game–situationally and with great style–maybe you will learn something. Patience is one of the ultimate virtues. And people will give you stuff for free.

6. Listening keeps you out of trouble – This began as a reminder that parents say things not just to be correct but to teach. Sometimes things are said with little to no context and sound like “orders.” Yep. And there are reasons. Maybe we know shit kids don’t know. Time for discussion, debate, and push-back may or may not come at a later point, but for the most part, if you listen you will also learn.

7. You are welcome to tell me or ask me anything, anytime – We promise that we will try our hardest to keep an open door and mind to discussion, debate, and push-back on any topic. But you have to also know that if you have questions or information, we actually really want to hear it. Really! We try not to judge, but sometimes our experience shapes responses. Know that. Just as we want you to come to us with any question or comment, we need to do our best to make that safe and comfortable for you. And yes, there really ARE dumb questions (we’ll try not to say that though).

8. First impressions are lasting impressions – How you present yourself or your products (homework, quizzes, Web logs, etc.) may be the very thing that shapes the opinions of influential people and ultimately tracks you to success or mediocrity. That tip of your iceberg should represent the you that you want represented. That is something you can control.

9. The Golden Rule is pretty bad ass – Yes, the basic ethical principles to/of The Golden Rule can serve as an important behavioral and attitudinal template. But always remember: not only treat others as you want them to treat you, but balance that responsibility with the expectation. That is, do not tolerate disrespect. Associating yourself with people who disrespect you is disrespectful.

10. Listening will keep you out of trouble – Always maintain a healthy observational presence. Look and listen, but also see and hear. You’ll know when trouble is brewing. Avoid it. Listen to yourself first and foremost.

These are pretty much the “rules” (more, guiding principles than rules) and my interpretations. It’s not like these are posted on the refrigerator in a contract I made a three year-old sign. They are reminders; a way to keep my focus as well as hers. I usually bring them up when a particular situation warrants.

Mostly remember, though, kids see through all our bullshit. Never forget that. If you don’t mean the things you are “teaching” them or if you don’t demonstrate them in your life, they have absolutely no reason to buy in. Your moral authority doesn’t exist. If you walk the talk, you have an increased probability that your offspring will follow you on that walk.

But what do I know? Nothing! That’s what.  My kid will push me off a cliff for being the asshole with rules.  I’ll be all like, “Buuuuuuuuuut theeeeee ruuuuuuuullllleeeeessssssssssssss!!!!”

THE TROUBLE WITH MUNO: A FOOFA EXCLUSIVE

February 10, 2010

I met Foofa about two hours after our scheduled interview. She was in a foul mood and had tried to cancel it twice. The only reason she finally agreed to do it was I promised we wouldn’t focus on her and instead get into all the Muno stuff that’s been happening lately, particularly his Kia Motors ad. Apparently she has a lot to get off her chest.

We met backstage after a grueling four-hour taping of a new Gabba show where Muno was conspicuously absent. Foofa slumped down in the chair in front of mine with a cigarette in her mouth and Bud light in her hand. Her voice was much raspier than I thought it would be. She looked like shit.

My Dad Homies: Hi.

Foofa: Hello.

I can’t believe you smoke.

Don’t put that in there. So, you wanna talk about Muno?

Yes I do. Let’s start with these car ads.

I didn’t know about the car ads until I saw them on TV a few nights ago. He hasn’t been in here since and I have no idea what’s going to happen to him.

What do you mean?

This show was started by indie rock kids so our contracts are pretty loose but one thing it does stipulate is we don’t do any solo stuff, especially ads. When I saw that ad I thought, “Is he out of his fucking mind?”

Is he?

I dated Muno for a long time. He’s a good soul deep down but to be totally honest, I don’t think he’s cut out for this business. He reminds me of Steve-O or Tupac or Kanye or one of these guys whose mouth isn’t connected to his brain.

Like how? He has tourettes?

Sort of. My Mother is a beautiful woman but she does have a pretty large birthmark on her face. The first time I took him home to meet my parents he walks up to my mother and goes, “What happened to your face?” He doesn’t mean any harm by it. He’s just clueless. The whole time we were together I was walking on eggshells because I knew he was going to say the worst possible thing at the worst possible time. It broke us up ultimately.

Do you still love him?

Hah. He’s older than me but the whole relationship I felt like I was dating a kid. He’s a lost puppy. And what’s happening now with these ads is he’s got some Schlecky Greenberg of a manager who’s pissing in his ear and telling him he’s the king. It’s like the manager of the Clash telling Joe that Mick Jones had to go. Or like Nancy Spugen telling Sid he’s too good for the Pistols.

Nancy was Jewish.

Fuck off. I’m not making this a Jew thing. I’m just saying fame is a crazy fucking drug and it will mess with your mind. Me and Toodee can handle it because we were child actors but Muno’s from the Bronx. He’s been an outcast his whole life. He was the only red kid in his school. He got his ass kicked and now he’s getting his ass licked. That’s dangerous.

Yeah, you can get Hep C from eating ass or is it Hep B?

You know what? This is something very serious to me and it involves someone I see as family going down the wrong path. Fuck you if you can’t see that and fuck this interview.