The Happy House-Husband

by

NSFW: Negligent Shithead – Female Working

I am a simple man.  Not Mennonite simple but simple for a modern city man in Barack Hussein’s 21st century New America.  Once you strip away all the time devoted to making art, my clients’ needs, my angels who require “maintenance”, and all the duties associated with raising and educating the kid, my wife is the very first person on my to-do list.  I know you think that that 5% of my life is only a tiny morsel, but I am 100% devoted to that 5%.  She deserves the very best!  Well, I kid…not really.

You see, once you peel back those layers, I’m just an everyday house-husband.  I’m in charge of the home (is the term “homemaker” still available because that sounds a lot like “home builder”?).  For example, just the other day: I paid the plumber that I scheduled to visit after I found the leak after I went to retrieve the plunger after my 7 year-old clogged a toilet.  Apparently it had been leaking for a while.  Mission accomplished like a motherfucker.

Remember on Bewitched when either of the Darrins came home and Samantha would have the house all cleaned, dinner made and a drink at the ready?  That’s like my life, but in reverse (and without the performance enhancement of witchcraft).  Well minus the house cleaning part too (there are people I pay for that); and the drink part since she doesn’t drink…I usually have that in the form of about 4 ozs. of beer.  But I have a hot meal ready every single day.  And fortunately I can pick up take-out if I’m too beat from housework to cook.  Sometimes I have special nights where we all go out!  I guess my closest similarity with Bewitched is the cast of witches and warlocks who visit me during the day when the breadwinner is at her office.  But other than that, I’m worked like a mule.

Oh, and I go grocery shopping.  That’s right!  In fact, I know all people at the grocery store.  Marcy at the “Solutions Counter” with the running joke about being “fresh out of solutions.”  Brian, whom I HAVE TO discuss sports with (to the point that I have to read the sports section or go online before I go to the store so I can say something).  But I’m mostly just bluster.  And then there’s Pete.  He’s uh, what’s the PC term now?  Pete’s the retard kid who collects the carts.  Pete is keen on discussions about the weather.

Then there’s the dilemma over which of the three coffee shops with fast WiFi to pick from, which house moms to gossip with, and so as you can see, my days are chock full of domestic duties.  Just today I had to change two tiny light bulbs in the range over the stove.  Range?  is that what that’s called?  As a house-husband I’m more hopeful than desperate, however.  I get shit done.

Our biggest conflict arises when my wife is home.  Weekday mornings, weekday afternoons, and dreaded weekends.  Oy fuck!  I’m a TGIM kind of motherfucker for reals.  Thank God It’s Monday is my religion.  We have ourselves a Role Reversal 101 in here.  She tries so hard to “help out” and “participate” in the business of running this house and raising this child, but she’s just not cut out for it.  Suddenly she thinks she can just pop-in and help with homework?  The kitchen?  Nigga please!  THE KITCHEN?!  BITCH PLEASE!!  I have it under control, OK?!  I don’t wander into her office all telling her how to perform her corporate duties!  All touching stuff and moving stuff and…God!  And all in the name of “helping.”  I have healthy boundaries.  We should maintain our roles.  A woman’s place is in the office.

So I’m here to offer the following tips to my fellow Dad Homies.  Mostly it’s a way to keep the old fem-crabs cool so we can continue to “support the homefront” like the champs we are (or continue to bullshit our way into continued goofing off all day…working from home):

10 Household Tips for the Modern Househusband

1.  Have dinner ready.  Even if it’s totally shitty or take-out, at least have napkins and tableware ready.  Never use the take-out napkins.  Fuck the environment. KFC napkins only make her realize that she could’ve brought this home her damn self.  Set a table.

Make it appear that your effort was well-intentioned and tender.  Practice makes perfect.  Soon you can do it while you IM your pals.  I’m “cooking dinner” right now. Boil faster water!

2.  Clear away clutter
.  That is, don’t leave evidence of your day’s activities.  It’s annoying and it’s…anonoying!  Put away paraphernalia, guitars, porn, and snack wrappers.  Throw your nasty clothes into the hamper, etc.

3.  Get yourself ready.  Brush your teeth before the old lady comes home, at least.  Take off your hat.  One word:  Listerine®!  One more: Visine®!  Take a shower even if it is already 5:00 in the afternoon.  She shouldn’t come home to you smelling Swiss or anything.

4.  Do not greet her with your problems or complaints.  She doesn’t care.  She works, jerkwad!  Somebody leaving flyers in your mailbox doesn’t count as a valid complaint.  How people park is not a valid complaint.  Shut the fuck up.

5.  Keep it quiet.  Turn off your shitty music that you know she hates.  Women do not like Frank Zappa.  You don’t have to put on her shitty music.  Just turn yours off.  She’s been on the subway for 3 hours today, give her a break. Soundgarden isn’t that break.

6.  Make her comfortable
. Move your PSP off the chair or something.  Quit farting.  Turn off the TeeVee.  Move your “latest masterwork project” from the kitchen table or living room floor.  She doesn’t give a shit.  Seriously, she doesn’t.  She just wants to sit the fuck down.

7.  Listen to her.  This is the hardest one, but you have to try it.  She’s gonna crab out about everything.  All kinds of stupid shit too.  Nod and smile.  Nod and look “empathetic.”  I know, it totally sucks, but at least look her way and say, “uh-huh” every paragraph or so.  Pretend she’s talking about you or something.  Notexting.

8.  Tame the kids.  Chill them mopetards the fuck out.  The last thing you need is for the kids to rat your ass out or annoy the mother.  She going to declare your “living situation experiment” a complete failure if the kids are fucking assholes.  Bribe!  Bribe!  Bribe the little motherfuckers.  At least do something to wear their silly asses out.

9.  Make the evening hers.  Ha-ha!  I know, that’s really dumb and so weak but you have to totally pretend that this is her time.  I know, I laughed typing that.  At least do it until you can chill out in front of the TeeVee and watch 30 Rock with a beer once the kids are asleep.  Fuck, remember:  THIS IS THE HARDEST PART!  THIS IS YOUR LIFE’S WORK!

10. REMEMBER YOUR GOAL:  Make her forget that you’re all “making art” all day.  Don’t let her dwell on the nude young models in your house or the “oregano” your “bandmates” left.  Your job is for her to believe that you scrubbed a toilet, cooked a pot roast, and washed the kids asses.  Play along to get along.  Take out the trash and clean the litter box too.  She’ll love you forever.

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9 Responses to “The Happy House-Husband”

  1. Turd Ferguson Says:

    From one house-husband to another, you’re making us all look bad – raising the curve. Now I have to block this site from her computer.

    Seriously though, you’re obviously very experienced in this, and these are indeed good pointers. I think I’m going to start using them for my own evil purposes, play her at her own game.

    Great post.

  2. AB Says:

    Holy crap, you are PRESENT and ATTENTIVE as hell. My dad is/was the total opposite. Game recognize game, so major major props.

  3. charles Says:

    perfect stuff. always amazing Ty.

  4. Bootie Aye Says:

    This is so funny!

  5. graas Says:

    http://www.funfacts.com.au/1950s-housewife/

    Ha!
    good work though. “Soundgarden isn’t a break” is tipmotherfuckingtop.

  6. STREET BONERS and TV CARNAGE » TIGER’S ANGELS Says:

    […] Title Image Photoshop Props: Ty Hardaway […]

  7. lyndonjames Says:

    BRILLIANT

  8. writerdood Says:

    I was with you until you said quit farting.
    There are some places I gotta draw the line, and trying to shove a cork up my ass so she can smell the roses is that place.

    #8 is my failure.
    Hmm… maybe better video games would keep them busy longer.
    The problem is, the little shits fight with each other.
    Also, if they’re not around, I’ve got no one to blame the farts on.

  9. Mike Says:

    “I don’t come down to where you work and slap the cock out of your mouth”

    Good advice, wish my wife would read as this is all I expect. Also I would add – at least be home when your spouse comes home hungry from work rather out having fun with your friends somewhere while the house is a total mess..

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