Child Leashes

by

(John Lennon w Julian – thanks comments!)

The Child Leash provides the ideal artifact study on the difference between parents and non-parents.

Before I was a parent, there were a small handful of parent behaviors which filled me with the desire to call child protective services:

  • Kids with snot all over their faces. (Wipe your kid’s fuckin nose, you inconsiderate slob.)
  • Kids at the table who looked as though they had been bathed in mashed carrots and apple sauce. (How ’bout teaching the little bastard to use a napkin and a fuckin’ spoon?)
  • Kids at diners who were “forced to”  amuse themselves with action figures while their dads ignored them in favor of a newspaper or an iPhone (Why don’t you try TALKING to your kid, you fuckin neglectful, abusive sociopath.)

BUT

The one thing which always made me feel physically sick, and convinced me that our society was doomed, was the sight of a child on a leash.

Are they fuckin ANIMALS? What is this, China? Why don’t you get yourself a dog for a few years, and use that leash all you want, you inhumane criminal?

Or start with a fuckin goldfish or a hamster. Work your way up to an I’ll tell ya how come you need a license to drive a car but anyone can be a parentisgusting.

If you fast forward 5 years though, and believe me – EVERYONE fasts forward 5 years – and I’ll bet you a Bugaboo Frog that you’ll be exactly like me:

Walking down Main Street at Disney World at 9 in the morning, trying to get to Winnie the Poo before it has a 45 minute line, and you’ll get a text from work while your baby sits on the ground and shit oozes out of both sides of his diaper. Snot will be running down his face because even though you wipe it every 5 seconds it just keeps flowing. He’ll have dried milk on his cheeks and a cheerio stuck to his head because mom isn’t meeting you until lunch and she has the goddamn wipes. Your older kid will vanish into a fog of Japanese tourists, and your stomach will drop into your nuts.

Then you’ll find her, and you’ll say, holy fuckin christ, you know what I need? What do they use for livestock – no not a cattle prod – no not an electric shock collar – what’s the uh…

And you’ll look up, and see a 400 pound American Redneck with her daughter fitted comfortably into a snug harness and calmly examining a statue at the hall of presidents, asking questions about American History.

“Yes!” you’ll say, “that’s what I need – an actual LEASH. Whoever invented that thing is a fuckin genius.”

Child LeashesThe Child Leash provides the ideal artifact study of the difference between parents and non-parents.Before I was a parent, there were a small handful of parent behaviors which filled me with the desire to call child protective services:-Kids with snot all over their faces. (Wipe your kid’s fuckin nose, you inconsiderate slob.)

-Kids at the table who looked as though they had been bathed in mashed carrots and apple sauce. (How ’bout teaching the little bastard to use a napkin and a fuckin’ spoon?)

-Kids at a diners with their dads who “had to”  amuse themselves with action figures while their dads ignored them in favor of a newspaper or an iPhone (Why don’t you try TALKING to your kid, you fuckin neglectful abusive sociopath.)

<b>BUT</b>

The one thing which always made me feel physically sick, and convinced me that our society was doomed, was the sight of a child on a leash.

<i>Are they fuckin ANIMALS? what is this, China? Why don’t you get yourself a dog for a few years, and use that leash all you want, you inhumane criminal?

Or start with a fuckin goldfish or a hamster. Work your way up to an I’ll tell ya how come you need a license to drive a car but anyone can be a parentisgusting. </i>

If you fast forward 5 years though, and belive me – EVERYONE fasts forward 5 years – I’ll bet you a Bugaboo Frog that you’ll be like me:

Walking down main street at Disney World at 9 in the morning, trying to get to Winnie the Poo before it has a 45 minute line, and your baby will sit on the ground and have shit coming out of the sides of his diapers. Snot will be running down his face because even though you wipe it every 5 seconds it just keeps flowing. He’ll have dried milk on his cheeks and a cheerio stuck to his head because mom isn’t meeting you until lunch and she has the goddamn wipes. Your older kid will vanish into a fog of Japanese tourists, and your stomach will drop into your nuts.

Then you’ll find her, and you’ll say, holy fuckin christ, you know what I need? What do they use for livestock – no not a cattle prod – no not an electric shock collar – what’s the uh…

And you’ll look up, and see a 400 pound American Redneck with her daughter comfortably fitted into a snug harness and calmly examining a statue at the hall of presidents, asking questions about American History.

“Yes!” you’ll say, “that’s what I need – an actual LEASH. Whoever invented <i>that</i> thing is a fuckin genius.”

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11 Responses to “Child Leashes”

  1. ty Says:

    Right, and while you’re at it, how ’bout cleaning up after those little motherfuckers who just RUINED the Starbucks? Maybe just a little.

    Those same little motherfuckers that came out of YOUR vagina/dick. Don’t act like you don’t fucking notice that this place looks like a goddamn South African shanty now. It didn’t look like that when your PC ass arrived.

    Next time, if you’re not going to be a parent, put a goddamn leash on the terrorists.

  2. Mathieu R Says:

    It’s true, you know, that anyone can be a parent. Even, like, dads who do agree that talking to their kids is exhausting, or that the humiliation of a leash – their own humiliation – is a small price to pay for keeping their kid in sight. Those dads could’ve used a little prep class on fatherhood.

  3. ty Says:

    Those leash-dads are the dads whose wives get banged my me and my marauding gang of horny dad-pirates. Dudes can’t look up from their Blackberry® handhelds long enough to catch us.

  4. spleazeball Says:

    The leash always sounds good to me when I’m walking my son to the car and we’re holding hands and I’m telling him, “We always hold hands in the parking lot,” and he’s nodding vigorously and being all angelic and repeating after me, “Yes Mommy we ahways hode hands in the pawking lot”, when suddenly a stupid piece of shit leaf or something catches his attention and he RIPS HIS HAND FROM MINE AND GOES BARRELING OFF THROUGH THE PARKING LOT like he’s the god damn Hulk and not a tiny ass two-year-old.

  5. writerdood Says:

    Sure, a leash sounds like a good idea, but have you ever considered what would happen if the kid runs out in front of a semi cruising down the road at 60? You’re tied to the little turd, and when that semi hits him and he’s embedded in the grill, you’re not going to have time to detach that leach from your arm. You’re either going to lose your arm at the shoulder, or you’re going for a fuckin ride. Good luck homie, I hope you enjoy living without skin.

    Oh yeah, I should also note that the same thing would happen if a giant mutant eagle swoops down and grabs your kid. You’re going to go for a ride then too. Except you’ll be dangling hundreds of feet over your neighborhood by a leash.

    Putting a leash on a kid is just asking for trouble.

  6. dinkemdibre Says:

    Awesome, I didn’t know about that till now. Thankz.

  7. Fritz Says:

    John Lennon with Yoko-spawn on a baby leash:

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