We have a friend who has two kids less than two years apart and when we asked her what’s it like, she said, “They kick your ass.” I thought that was a pretty lazy explanation but the second I ended up in the same boat I realized, that is EXACTLY what they do. At the end of each day we would collapse on the couch like we’d been doing cold calls all day for a telemarketing company that sells screams. It was brutal.

However, before you know it. Things get better. Then they get way better. Then it’s heaven on earth.

If you just had a kid and you’re still in that first-seven-week zone, don’t freak out. They start sleeping in five-hour chunks after about two months and you’ll probably get them sleeping through the night at six months. Once that happens you can at least finish your dreams and kill the bad guys which is what sanity is all about (remember the “winner” part in 22 Going on 23?)

After the first year, they start to walk and say words and it’s so fucking awesome, you want to Chinese foot-bind their whole bodies so they don’t grow. My kids are one and three now and I’d be perfectly happy if they froze where they are for the next 22 years like Maggie Simpson.

Soon, you won’t even remember the first part. You may even consider having another. It’s called “selective memory” and it’s the reason there’s six billion of us.


5 Responses to “DON’T WORRY – IT GETS BETTER”

  1. ty Says:

    Then the little motherfuckers start rolling their eyes at everything they say and making fun of you for being bald and for slightly mispronouncing words; like they fucking invented everything.

    I hear at some point the ingrates start slamming doors, going out all night, and using their bodies like a goddamn playground. And they still want you to “send money.” Nigga, what?!

    Fuck freezing them at childhood. Teach the fuckers organic chemistry and send ’em to medical school like Doogie Howser, M.D. BUT THAT’S FICTION!

    Meh. Just kidding. They’re pretty awesome. Except when they’re sick then they suck miserable ass! Oh, I kid. We love ’em unconditionally (unless they spike heroin and steal our shit).

    Oh, ‘cuz their friends are so fucking smart. “Then get a fucking scholarship if you so want to go to college. I need my money!”

  2. tiltherewasyou Says:

    Thanks for the encouragement. Virginia is just turning 5 months old and Mike started talking about our “baby spacing” when I was still in that ‘i’m-soaking-thru-my-hospital-issued-mesh-panties-every-two-hours’ stage. On the one hand, yeah, the kids are likely to be close, you go through all the diapers/solids/babyproofing/potty training in pretty much one go… but then there’s the NYC space constraints, the expense of either daycare or a nanny for two, plus two kids in diapers… *sigh*

    I was 28 when V was born and didn’t party on my 29th birthday because I was busy crushing on my newborn. But for 30? I kinda want to party. That’s right, I’m going to let some tequila shots govern the timing of my next pregnancy.

  3. dooflop Says:

    Yeah, 2 in 2 must be pretty harsh. If you can afford the time, space them out a little bit more.

  4. Graas Says:

    My little ‘un is 8 months old today, already have the plan for the next one in february/march. My wife and I realized that getting through all of your children’s early years is like digging a tunnel. If you space them out too much, it’s the motherfucking English Chunnel. If it’s only, say 20 months between critters, then the tunnel is like getting through a mountain. Yeah, a lot of work in the short run, but wayyyyyy easier down the road. Plus, I want my kids to be contemporaries and share weird jokes about whatever the Caddyshack of 2018 is that I don’t understand.

    Small NYC apartments blow, and then there’s the schooling issue gavin mentioned a while ago, but I ‘d rather have them around and worry about options rather than put off a bunch of happiness because “the economic climate isn’t right for more children” horseshit. I can’t wait.

  5. Amanda Says:

    I’m 6 months pregnant with my first and i’m fucking terrified of the first few months after she’s born and the sleep deprivation. I’ve also been told about this ‘selective memory’ business. Pregnancy is an absolute nightmare so far. Without ‘selective memory’ i’d stop at one, but don’t want my daughter to be a spoilt brat. I’m looking forward to forgetting. I don’t mean to sound so miserable, it’s just that I am.

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