Archive for November, 2009

Child Leashes

November 13, 2009

(John Lennon w Julian – thanks comments!)

The Child Leash provides the ideal artifact study on the difference between parents and non-parents.

Before I was a parent, there were a small handful of parent behaviors which filled me with the desire to call child protective services:

  • Kids with snot all over their faces. (Wipe your kid’s fuckin nose, you inconsiderate slob.)
  • Kids at the table who looked as though they had been bathed in mashed carrots and apple sauce. (How ’bout teaching the little bastard to use a napkin and a fuckin’ spoon?)
  • Kids at diners who were “forced to”  amuse themselves with action figures while their dads ignored them in favor of a newspaper or an iPhone (Why don’t you try TALKING to your kid, you fuckin neglectful, abusive sociopath.)

BUT

The one thing which always made me feel physically sick, and convinced me that our society was doomed, was the sight of a child on a leash.

Are they fuckin ANIMALS? What is this, China? Why don’t you get yourself a dog for a few years, and use that leash all you want, you inhumane criminal?

Or start with a fuckin goldfish or a hamster. Work your way up to an I’ll tell ya how come you need a license to drive a car but anyone can be a parentisgusting.

If you fast forward 5 years though, and believe me – EVERYONE fasts forward 5 years – and I’ll bet you a Bugaboo Frog that you’ll be exactly like me:

Walking down Main Street at Disney World at 9 in the morning, trying to get to Winnie the Poo before it has a 45 minute line, and you’ll get a text from work while your baby sits on the ground and shit oozes out of both sides of his diaper. Snot will be running down his face because even though you wipe it every 5 seconds it just keeps flowing. He’ll have dried milk on his cheeks and a cheerio stuck to his head because mom isn’t meeting you until lunch and she has the goddamn wipes. Your older kid will vanish into a fog of Japanese tourists, and your stomach will drop into your nuts.

Then you’ll find her, and you’ll say, holy fuckin christ, you know what I need? What do they use for livestock – no not a cattle prod – no not an electric shock collar – what’s the uh…

And you’ll look up, and see a 400 pound American Redneck with her daughter fitted comfortably into a snug harness and calmly examining a statue at the hall of presidents, asking questions about American History.

“Yes!” you’ll say, “that’s what I need – an actual LEASH. Whoever invented that thing is a fuckin genius.”

Child LeashesThe Child Leash provides the ideal artifact study of the difference between parents and non-parents.Before I was a parent, there were a small handful of parent behaviors which filled me with the desire to call child protective services:-Kids with snot all over their faces. (Wipe your kid’s fuckin nose, you inconsiderate slob.)

-Kids at the table who looked as though they had been bathed in mashed carrots and apple sauce. (How ’bout teaching the little bastard to use a napkin and a fuckin’ spoon?)

-Kids at a diners with their dads who “had to”  amuse themselves with action figures while their dads ignored them in favor of a newspaper or an iPhone (Why don’t you try TALKING to your kid, you fuckin neglectful abusive sociopath.)

<b>BUT</b>

The one thing which always made me feel physically sick, and convinced me that our society was doomed, was the sight of a child on a leash.

<i>Are they fuckin ANIMALS? what is this, China? Why don’t you get yourself a dog for a few years, and use that leash all you want, you inhumane criminal?

Or start with a fuckin goldfish or a hamster. Work your way up to an I’ll tell ya how come you need a license to drive a car but anyone can be a parentisgusting. </i>

If you fast forward 5 years though, and belive me – EVERYONE fasts forward 5 years – I’ll bet you a Bugaboo Frog that you’ll be like me:

Walking down main street at Disney World at 9 in the morning, trying to get to Winnie the Poo before it has a 45 minute line, and your baby will sit on the ground and have shit coming out of the sides of his diapers. Snot will be running down his face because even though you wipe it every 5 seconds it just keeps flowing. He’ll have dried milk on his cheeks and a cheerio stuck to his head because mom isn’t meeting you until lunch and she has the goddamn wipes. Your older kid will vanish into a fog of Japanese tourists, and your stomach will drop into your nuts.

Then you’ll find her, and you’ll say, holy fuckin christ, you know what I need? What do they use for livestock – no not a cattle prod – no not an electric shock collar – what’s the uh…

And you’ll look up, and see a 400 pound American Redneck with her daughter comfortably fitted into a snug harness and calmly examining a statue at the hall of presidents, asking questions about American History.

“Yes!” you’ll say, “that’s what I need – an actual LEASH. Whoever invented <i>that</i> thing is a fuckin genius.”

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THE BABY WHISPERER

November 9, 2009

Just fixed this video I made with Decon wherein I teach parents how to “hear” babies. Remember guys, 99% of the time it’s FTW. They are either Famished, Tired, or Wet.

DON’T WORRY – IT GETS BETTER

November 4, 2009

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We have a friend who has two kids less than two years apart and when we asked her what’s it like, she said, “They kick your ass.” I thought that was a pretty lazy explanation but the second I ended up in the same boat I realized, that is EXACTLY what they do. At the end of each day we would collapse on the couch like we’d been doing cold calls all day for a telemarketing company that sells screams. It was brutal.

However, before you know it. Things get better. Then they get way better. Then it’s heaven on earth.

If you just had a kid and you’re still in that first-seven-week zone, don’t freak out. They start sleeping in five-hour chunks after about two months and you’ll probably get them sleeping through the night at six months. Once that happens you can at least finish your dreams and kill the bad guys which is what sanity is all about (remember the “winner” part in 22 Going on 23?)

After the first year, they start to walk and say words and it’s so fucking awesome, you want to Chinese foot-bind their whole bodies so they don’t grow. My kids are one and three now and I’d be perfectly happy if they froze where they are for the next 22 years like Maggie Simpson.

Soon, you won’t even remember the first part. You may even consider having another. It’s called “selective memory” and it’s the reason there’s six billion of us.

WHY HALLOWEEN IS IMPORTANT

November 2, 2009

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I always knew I loved Halloween but I never really got why parents like it so much until Saturday. My daughter is three now and she’s finally old enough to do Halloween without being stupified the whole time wondering what the fuck is going on.

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We set out at about 6:30 with a family friend named Cassidy in upstate New York. My daughter had been talking about this for a long time and told us weeks in advance she wanted her and her brother to be bats. We kept getting her psyched in the car on the way over but I had no idea how she’d react once she stepped into the fray.

As we approached the first real Trick or Treat of her life, I saw her recoil in horror at the witch who had all the candy. She told me she was scared and didn’t want to go. I said that was all right but this is Halloween and if you want candy, you have to go up to these people and say “Trick or Treat.” I could see her process this carrot-on-a-stick trick and decide the pros outweighed the cons. So, she walked very slowly towards the witch and said the quietest “Trick or Treat” anyone’s ever heard. The witch gave her a mini Kit Kat bar and an orange Tootsie Roll and my daughter went over to the next house with 25% more confidence. This doubled for the next one and by the third, she was at 100%. Seeing her and her friend confidently say “TRICK OR TREAT” and choose what candy they wanted was almost too much to bear. Her friend’s dad even said to me, with his thick Brooklyn accent, “When they do shit like this it makes you wanna cry.”

I’m almost bawling as I write this but in the car on the way back she goes, “I was real brave, dad.” This is why Halloween is important. It’s about overcoming fear. Cynics would argue the candy lure is a cheap trick but the point is, she not only overcame her fear, she embraced it. She was a bat doing business with witches and other monsters and casually smiling about it. She had a party in the center of her fear.

I always thought it was weird how Puerto Ricans take their kids to horror movies and laugh when they’re scared. They also bring them to those Halloween Haunted House tours that scare the living shit out of kids. That’s a bit rich for me but sheltering kids from fear is way worse. There’s a reason we have a wolf swallowing Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother and then getting his head chopped off by a good guy. That’s what life’s all about. Kids have to learn it’s going to be OK and they can conquer unjustified fears. It’s not the fact that there’s ogres in their nightmares or monsters in the closet. Those will always be there and they should be there. The important thing is how they deal with them – and on Halloween at least, they are victorious.