Open House



Went to the kiddo’s school’s open house on Monday.  They had to go to school even though it was Columbus Day (or, “Smallpox Blanket Day” as the cool parents say).  But since it was a federal holiday, this plan maximizes the volume of parents that can spend a few hours in their kid’s class (take my wife, please).

Bren’s 2nd grade class has about 20 kids and 10 parents were present (meh).  Two dads alone (surprising), two couples (one was mine), and the rest were moms (of course).

Sure, it was cute to see the kids talk about the report they have due in a couple of weeks on spiders or bats.  It was fun to watch them use interact with the Promethean Board.  And we even got to do a literature exercise with them on spiders or bats.

Yeah, the kids are smarter and more tech savvy than we were at that age.  Obviously.  But regardless of what Bill Cosby says, it wasn’t the kids who were that interesting.  It was the parents.

The fun was watching the parents:

The Dominatrix Mother: I realize that boots are fashionable in the autumn.  But I did not know that four-inch stiletto, knee-high, pointed toe, studded boots were in fashion…at elementary school!  Call me old-fashioned but the dominatrix effect seemed to be exacerbated by the perfect black mini and tight, low, low, low plunging top.  The Jesus cross was just ironic. Don’t get me wrong, I was all attentive and a bit chubby in the crotch.  I would have taken a photo but that was too obvious even for me.  My wife totally understood when I kicked her and whispered, “I’ve been a baaaad daddy!”  Should one be givin’ boners at school?  I’m not saying she was whorish–not at all…just, well, she looked very “professional”.

The Asian Father:  Prompt.  Curt.  Focused.  Serious.  And so, so disappointed.  Introduced himself to the teacher by placing his hand on his child’s head and coldly declaring, “this one’s mine.”  Didn’t introduce himself to others.  Left early after lecturing his kid about something.  Dude seemed kinda pissed.

The Stepford Couple: Oh shit!  I almost forgot these two because they are so forgettable.  Young, nattily dressed, well-groomed.  Too well-groomed.  They are bright-eyed and energetic.  These two were on their Blackberrys the entire time.  So accustomed to thumbing while interacting they never broke stride.  They smiled way too much.

The New-to-the-area-Mom:  Poor dear will never make any friends.  Straight from Iowa, she’s too frumpy, too out-of-fashion, too nice, and too real to ever fit into with the Frau clique.  I quickly befriended her earlier this year because she’s really sweet.  But I see her staring into the dark abyss.  I distinctly noticed that a brow job has already occurred.  Poor dear.

The Stewart:  Okay.  This entire post has been premise to discuss Stewart.  Where I grew up, Rule #1 was:  DON’T SNORT LINES PRIOR TO VISITING YOUR KID’S CLASSROOM!

Call me square or whatever but what the fuck, dude?!  Yes, “lines” as in cocaine, sniffy!  I am quite certain.  Witness the following:

  • 15-minutes late
  • Slammed door
  • Red face
  • Big, glassy eyes
  • Fanning himself
  • Fidgety, itchy, twitchy
  • Crazy excited to be there!
  • Teeth rubbing
  • Cracking wise and disruptive

Okay, I’m only 95% it was cocaine.  Maybe it was crank, what do I know?  But I’ve seen Stewart before (real name) and I’ve already pinned him as “that dude” but I gave him a neighborly situational pass.  Not this time, snorty.  Dude totally over-engaged his child in a coke-crazy one-sided discussion that went like this:

Stewart: “Didja think I wasn’t coming?  See, I’m here!  I love you so much.  Here, let me take a picture for mom.  Hey, this is cool!  You’re so smart.  Hi Ty!  See, I’m here.  Iranallthewayfromhome.  Sorry I’m late.  Hey, let me take a picture for mom.”

Kid: – – –

When we worked on our family exercise (spider or bat), Steward got his kid to write about a rhinoceros beetle!  That’s how ADD he got working on a second grade assignment.  He did all of the illustrations and dictated all the text.  I think he was writing at one point.

He actually left for five minutes and came back to tell my wife and I how smart our child is and how his and ours could be best friends.  We’ve barely met.

Maybe he was just nervous….

My dear and poor wife has never really been that close to such an obvious fiend.  I imagined her dialing 9-1-1 or CPS under the tiny desk.  I explained it all to her…not that I know what I’m talking about.


3 Responses to “Open House”

  1. TL Says:

    Great post. Even greater written snapshot of who we are as America today.

  2. Poor Lucky Me Says:

    I’m SURE you were right. Where there’s smoke there’s fire…or…where there’s teeth grinding and fidgeting there’s lines being blown.

  3. dooflop Says:

    Thanks for this, great observations. I recognize four out of five parent types at our open houses, I haven’t seen a Stewart yet.

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