Archive for October, 2009

Halloween Rules

October 27, 2009

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Halloween rules when your daughter wants to dress up as Richard Branson’s personal pilot.

Halloween Sucks

October 21, 2009

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Of all the holidays I hate, I hate Halloween the most.  I mean, what happened?  When did it turn into wimpy version of Christmas with all the “ghosting” and “lights” and massive home decorations?  Halloween used to be cool, right?  Ding-dong-ditch.  Egging.  Stealing candy.  Smashing pumpkins before that shit was a band.  Dressing up like women.  When did Halloween fuckin’ sell out?

Now it’s all SafeZone™ parties with a million parents all diluting experiences like anybody has ever in the history of Halloween (ever!) bitten into a motherfucking apple with a razor blade.  No kid’s gonna eat a goddamn apple with all that candy around.  And nobody’s poisoning candy anymore, that’s just lame.  Halloween sucks.  What princess has a flashlight?  Superman don’t need no glow stick for safety?  He’s Superman!  He can fly!!!

Anyway, the kiddo’s all caught up in keeping up with the Jones’ (Silverman’s) and shit so she’s been a huge pain in the ass about “decorating for Halloween, pleeeeease?!”  Whatever.  I’ll play along.

There!  Done.  It’s “spiderwebs” for Halloween.  And it will be “snow” for Christmas.  Done until the new year.  I’ll just replace the “ghost” with the baby “Jesus” or something around Thanksgiving.

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Open House

October 14, 2009

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Went to the kiddo’s school’s open house on Monday.  They had to go to school even though it was Columbus Day (or, “Smallpox Blanket Day” as the cool parents say).  But since it was a federal holiday, this plan maximizes the volume of parents that can spend a few hours in their kid’s class (take my wife, please).

Bren’s 2nd grade class has about 20 kids and 10 parents were present (meh).  Two dads alone (surprising), two couples (one was mine), and the rest were moms (of course).

Sure, it was cute to see the kids talk about the report they have due in a couple of weeks on spiders or bats.  It was fun to watch them use interact with the Promethean Board.  And we even got to do a literature exercise with them on spiders or bats.

Yeah, the kids are smarter and more tech savvy than we were at that age.  Obviously.  But regardless of what Bill Cosby says, it wasn’t the kids who were that interesting.  It was the parents.

The fun was watching the parents:

The Dominatrix Mother: I realize that boots are fashionable in the autumn.  But I did not know that four-inch stiletto, knee-high, pointed toe, studded boots were in fashion…at elementary school!  Call me old-fashioned but the dominatrix effect seemed to be exacerbated by the perfect black mini and tight, low, low, low plunging top.  The Jesus cross was just ironic. Don’t get me wrong, I was all attentive and a bit chubby in the crotch.  I would have taken a photo but that was too obvious even for me.  My wife totally understood when I kicked her and whispered, “I’ve been a baaaad daddy!”  Should one be givin’ boners at school?  I’m not saying she was whorish–not at all…just, well, she looked very “professional”.

The Asian Father:  Prompt.  Curt.  Focused.  Serious.  And so, so disappointed.  Introduced himself to the teacher by placing his hand on his child’s head and coldly declaring, “this one’s mine.”  Didn’t introduce himself to others.  Left early after lecturing his kid about something.  Dude seemed kinda pissed.

The Stepford Couple: Oh shit!  I almost forgot these two because they are so forgettable.  Young, nattily dressed, well-groomed.  Too well-groomed.  They are bright-eyed and energetic.  These two were on their Blackberrys the entire time.  So accustomed to thumbing while interacting they never broke stride.  They smiled way too much.

The New-to-the-area-Mom:  Poor dear will never make any friends.  Straight from Iowa, she’s too frumpy, too out-of-fashion, too nice, and too real to ever fit into with the Frau clique.  I quickly befriended her earlier this year because she’s really sweet.  But I see her staring into the dark abyss.  I distinctly noticed that a brow job has already occurred.  Poor dear.

The Stewart:  Okay.  This entire post has been premise to discuss Stewart.  Where I grew up, Rule #1 was:  DON’T SNORT LINES PRIOR TO VISITING YOUR KID’S CLASSROOM!

Call me square or whatever but what the fuck, dude?!  Yes, “lines” as in cocaine, sniffy!  I am quite certain.  Witness the following:

  • 15-minutes late
  • Slammed door
  • Red face
  • Big, glassy eyes
  • Fanning himself
  • Fidgety, itchy, twitchy
  • Crazy excited to be there!
  • Teeth rubbing
  • Cracking wise and disruptive

Okay, I’m only 95% it was cocaine.  Maybe it was crank, what do I know?  But I’ve seen Stewart before (real name) and I’ve already pinned him as “that dude” but I gave him a neighborly situational pass.  Not this time, snorty.  Dude totally over-engaged his child in a coke-crazy one-sided discussion that went like this:

Stewart: “Didja think I wasn’t coming?  See, I’m here!  I love you so much.  Here, let me take a picture for mom.  Hey, this is cool!  You’re so smart.  Hi Ty!  See, I’m here.  Iranallthewayfromhome.  Sorry I’m late.  Hey, let me take a picture for mom.”

Kid: – – –

When we worked on our family exercise (spider or bat), Steward got his kid to write about a rhinoceros beetle!  That’s how ADD he got working on a second grade assignment.  He did all of the illustrations and dictated all the text.  I think he was writing at one point.

He actually left for five minutes and came back to tell my wife and I how smart our child is and how his and ours could be best friends.  We’ve barely met.

Maybe he was just nervous….

My dear and poor wife has never really been that close to such an obvious fiend.  I imagined her dialing 9-1-1 or CPS under the tiny desk.  I explained it all to her…not that I know what I’m talking about.

HELP THE POLICE

October 7, 2009

(Old) hat tip from EazyE_

2 GREAT DEAD DAD JAMS

October 7, 2009

“My daddy will never die YOU HEAR ME GOD!?” (best Strangers line ever) but if he does, these two jams will make me cry. Which one’s better?

Kiss me goodnight and say my prayers
Leave the light on at the top of the stairs
Tell me the names of the stars up in the sky
A tree taps on the window pane
That feeling smothers me again
Daddy is it true that we all have to die

At the top of the stairs
Is darkness

I closed my eyes and when I looked
Your name was in the memorial book
and what had become of all the things we planned
I accepted the commiserations
Of all your friends and your relations
But there’s some things I still don’t understand

You were so tall
How could you fall?

Some photographs of a summer’s day
A little boy’s lifetime away
Is all I’ve left of everything we’ve done
Like a pale moon in a sunny sky
Death gazes down as I pass by
To remind me that I’m but my father’s son

I offer up to you
This tribute
I offer up to you
This tank park salute

Two great European narcotics,
Alcohol and Christianity,
I know which one I prefer

We never went to church,
Just get on with work and sometimes things’ll hurt,
But it’s hit me since you left us,
And it’s so hard not to search.

If you were still about,
I’d ask you what I’m supposed to do now,
I just get a bit scared,
Every now,
Hope I made you proud.

On your birthday when mum passed the forks and spoons,
I put my head on the table I was so distraught with you,
You tidied your things into the bin,
The more poorly you grew,
So there’s nothing of yours to hold or to talk to.

You put your hand up and interrupt the conversation with a, but…
People say I interrupt people with the same look.
Sometimes I think so hard I can’t remember how your face looked,
Started reading about dreams in your favourite book.
I panic and pace when I can’t see the right thing to do.
You’d be scratching your head through the best advice you knew.
And I feel sad I can’t hear you reciting it through,
I miss you dad, but I’ve got nothing to remind me of you

Chorus

I needed a break when your book about dreams was taken,
I needed to pray or see a priest that day,
I needed to leave this trade and just heave it away,
But I cleaned up my place like you so I could see things straight.

I never cared about God when life was sailin’ in the calm,
So I said I’d get my head down and I’d deal with the ache in my heart,
And for that if God exists I’d reckon he’d pay me regard,
Mum says me and you are the same from the start.

I guess then you did leave me something to remind me of you,
Everytime I interrupt someone like you used to,
When I do something like you you’ll be on my mind or through,
‘Cause I forgot you left me behind to remind me of you.

Chorus x 2

But you used to tell me how you didn’t know what to do even now,
And then I’m not so scared somehow,
‘Cause I know that you’d be proud.

I got a good one for you dad,
I’m gonna see a priest, a Rabbi and a Protestant clergyman,
You always said I should hedge my bets.



RACIST BABY

October 5, 2009

I put this up on Street Carnage and forgot to include it here. Some critics have said they need to see Duncan react to other people to be sure he’s racist. Trust me, Derrick is the ONLY guy who freaks him out like that. The behind-the-scenes secret however is I think it’s because of the kooky hair. As a bus driver in Scotland once said, “He looks like he stuck his finger in a light socket.”

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS

October 4, 2009

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Our incredible troops kill bad guys to protect our freedoms…for the children.  G-d bless the good old USA!