I usually try to be quite nice, very efficient, and very, very clear with my drive thru orders; I always have, it’s how I was raised. But, now that I have a kid who eats this garbage, these interactions usually go like this:

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Can I take your order?

Me: Hi, I’d like to buy one six-piece Chicken Nugget™ Happy Meal™.

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Drink?

Me: Apple juice.

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Boy or girl?

Me: Huh? Uh, I’ll Have the Legion of Superheros™ toy, please.

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Huh? Boy toy or girl toy?

Me: I’m reading this right off your menu, we want the “Legion of Superheros™” toy, thank you.

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Do you have a boy or a girl?! Is it for boy or girl?

Me: What does that matter? Your menu indicates that for this promotion period we get to choose either the Build-A-Bear™ workshop or the Legion of Superheros™ toy with this Happy Meal™. My daughter wants the Legion of Superheors™ toy. It’s completely irrelevant what sex child I have. In fact, maybe I don’t have a child, maybe it’s for my elderly grandmother, or maybe it’s for me. Maybe, get this, a boy might want the Build-A-Bear™ workshop and a girl could possibly, just possibly, want the Legion of Superheros™ toy and not go to Smith. In fact, my child was really excited that you had the Legion of Superheros™ toy. We don’t roll that way; boy stuff and girl stuff. She can play with or be anything she damn well want!  If I had a boy, he’d wear a dress!

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Hold on….

McDonalds® Drive Thru: What kind of drink?

Me: Apple juice, please.

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Anything else?

Me: Yes, we’ll have one Fruit & Walnut snack™, please.

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Fruit salad?

Me: No, I’m reading this verbatim from your menu, one “Fruit & Walnut snack™”, thanks.

McDonalds® Drive Thru: Five thirty-seven, next window, please.

Invariably I get the Build-A-Bear™ workshop and have to start all over. Once I cited “research literature” and “social trends” before getting flustered and shouting, “go to college!” The best is when I give the lecture about branding; how they would benefit in a multitude of ways by having the person who spoke the BEST English at the drive thru window. Oh, I’ll hold up the drive thru for as long as it takes for me to go all Skip-Gates-takes-you-to-school on the McDonalds Drive thru people.

I’m the world’s worst dad.


4 Responses to “JUST DRIVIN’ THRU”

  1. Benjamin Says:

    Really good. I love the feeling of reading shit off the menu verbatim and having the proprietor be like “uhhhh”

    and you’re like – THIS – THIS item here – see? The one you offered? I’m accepting it.

  2. ty Says:

    I know, Benjamin!

    You think the Latino/Hispanic/Mexicans are bad at the “Madonels”…try ordering something in fucking South Carolina. Jeeeeezussss Christ, man! It’s WORSE than being in a foreign country because you have a certain language expectation given the fact that they are flying the U.S. American flag outside their “Mack Donnals” (with that KKK sons of confederacy flag just below it and sometimes higher).

    At least in Montreal, you know you’re gonna get dicked at “Mique Donels” with the fake French thing. NgaPlz, I KNOW you speak English because we were just shooting the shit outside smoking cigs and talking strip joints. Now, what, me-no-parlez-vouz my ass?

  3. Kelly Says:

    This post just made my life better.

  4. tiltherewasyou Says:

    Then again, you could stop going to McDonald’s…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: