THE WORST PART OF FATHERHOOD

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The crime that dare not speak it’s name is female on male domestic abuse. I saw a thing on 20/20 about it once and laughed so hard my perineum squeeked. A much more serious abuse nobody is allowed to speak of is the HELL men go through while their wife gives birth.

I know. I know. She’s pushing a bowling ball out her earhole. I’m not denying it. However, does that mean my pain doesn’t matter? If I’m sitting next to someone being eaten by a lion and I get punched in the face, have I not just been punched in the face? Do I not bleed?

The main reason it’s so awful is your wife is being tortured by something you have abosultuely no control over whatsoever. When someone wants to fuck with Superman they throw Lois Lane off a cliff and that’s enough to make him spin the world in the opposite direction to get her back. This is the same thing only you’re not super. Imagine how it feels to see your wife be crushed by an invisible car and all you can do is hold her hand and wince while she pushes her fingernails through your flesh.

Here’s some tips to make it through this living hell…

1-    Get yourself some New Balance. You may well be standing there for over 24 hours. You can’t sit down or show any kind of discomfort (I DARE you to yawn) so be prepared for a marathon.

2-    Sneak in a flask. Who wants to see their wife murdered and be able to take in every single detail with perfect clarity? You will be permitted to go the bathroom at least every hour and that’s the ideal time to have a swig of whiskey. NB: Be chewing the Dentyne BEFORE you go the bathroom so as not to alert suspicion.

3-    Don’t look. Cesearean’s are more gory than Rambo in Myanmar but even a pretty normal birth has your wife’s vagina stretched to comical proportions – with blood everywhere, and that’s only the front part. Why have that image in your head for the rest of your life? No matter what they say do not look down. I would also advise against cutting the umbilical cord too as it is tougher than rubber leather but that’s just me. Maybe you’re into grooming people’s entrails.

4-    Don’t make jokes. Comix can be pretty tough on a Monday night but people with the ability to memorize latin for 12 years and a woman being ripped to shreds is not exactly the greatest audience. For my second kid’s birth, when they put a sanitary towel on the birthing ball, I noticed it looked like a burqa and couldn’t resist saying, “That what they make the balls wear in Iran.” What came next was the loudest STOP TALKING ABOUT MUSLIMS! anyone has ever heard.

5-    Don’t drink her Gatorade. She’s going to say she only wants water and that delicious boost is going to be sitting next to your parched throat for hours and hours. Do not touch it. She’s going to want it eventually and if you’ve already polished it off you will get a look that will burn your eyelashes off.

That’s it.

Once it finally comes out you will look into your baby’s eyes and cry tears of joy that the whole thing is finally over. Then you can sit back, look at the fucking carnage left over in the room and think, “How the fuck did we get here?”

Somehow, somewhere, we lost that cool thing in the 50s where you sat worrying in the waiting room with a box of cigars on your lap hoping it was a boy. I don’t know who the fuck is responsible for changing that and getting us into the room with her but what’s done is done. All you can do now is try to get as comfortable as possible and not fuck up. Good luck with that.

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10 Responses to “THE WORST PART OF FATHERHOOD”

  1. Just Ben Says:

    ya know, that actually wasn’t a bad read. maybe it’s ’cause I’m stoned.
    coincidentally, I have only a few months left in my 30s. I date a 9 who I never would’ve predicted I would sorta begin to love, as I do now. we’re currently long distance, and the more I see her the less I think about the belief system “fuckin aint cheatin.”

    but what if I get that sick opportunity in, say, Portland, and she’s on the east coast?

    should I be scared?

    bc

    ps, aint it something, yet no surprise, how you guys have already captivated me while seth rogen/judd apatow haven’t? and why do jews rule comedy anyway? gavin, you’re jewish, right? ‘splain please.

  2. ps Says:

    That umbilical cord is a tough son-of-bitch to cut through, isn’t it? Am I glad I cut it? Yep. Will I do it again? Nope.

  3. solid.jones Says:

    what is that therapy / inner-monologue-session-comment?

  4. sohrob Says:

    umm…
    to “just ben”
    gavin has a motherfuckin’ foreskin.

    to gavin
    even though i am only 18, i truly enjoy the wisdom you provide in posts here and on street carnage. i’m not gonna be needing this shit now, but there is hella shit that you have posted that serve as important tools/guidelines in life.

    maybe i’ll write a “dear street carnage” letter one day on the cool level of street carnage. i mean, you motherfuckers do shit with rockers nyc. that’s sick. the letter probably won’t get posted though unless i also send a picture of me jizzing on my friend’s toothbrush.

  5. Greebo Says:

    While we’re giving birth advice, might I add: IT IS GOING TO SMELL TERRIBLE. Hospital smell + blood smell + pee and poo smell + pussy smell… It ain’t good. And I like pussy smell.

    Worse, you’re in it for hours. It’s not as bad as watching the woman you love in unimaginable pain, but it’s something I wish someone warned me about. Maybe you should spray some good smelling stuff on your wrist or something and sniff it periodically (just act like you have the sniffles if you don’t want wifey to know).

    Love the site, by the by. That Baby Ernie piece is just perfect writing.

  6. Gavin McInnes Says:

    Maybe it’s because I was so thoroughly distracted but, for the record, I don’t remember any bad smells.

  7. von snark Says:

    My bro-in-law (who is a youthful hipster for what it’s worth) just turned me onto this site. I’m a mid 40’s formerly cool guy (think of Jim Lurie saying ‘cool guy’ in Stranger than Paradise) who just had fucking twins. Twin boys. I’m old. I’m fucked.

    Oh, but it’s great and I’m super happy. Just exhausted beyond belief. And thank the hairy lord we had to have a C-section!

  8. raymi Says:

    i DARE you to yawn hahahahahha

  9. Sleep Better : Says:

    children toys that are brightly colored are the best toys to give to your kids, just make sure they are not made in china `

  10. Glass Shelving Says:

    i like to buy children toys that are educational too, in this way, your kids can learn by playing ..;

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