DEADBEAT DADS

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What kind of fucking fag leaves his kid at one year-old? What, it’s not working out with your wife? Well, that’s none of your business. Your life is none of your business when you have kids. If you don’t like her anymore, fine. Don’t fuck her. But you can’t leave your kid and throw him into the most damning statistics there are (worse than being black, worse than being poor, worse than being retarded for fuckssakes). And by the way, how do you know you two aren’t getting along? Who has the time to get along when there’s a baby around? As soon as she misses that time of the month, your life is basically on hold at least until the kid goes to kindergarten. That’s the fucking deal. That’s why you think about it before you propose.

The way I see it, getting married means no more condoms and potentially limitless kids (only 7% of married couples opt out of having kids). Having kids means you are no longer the first priority and the whole concept of “Self” is flushed down the toilet. Technically, the relationship is off the books for about 18 years but there can be no arguing that it is absolutely and positively off the books for the first 3 or 4. People went to fucking war you pussies!

I see the early days as both of you agreeing to move to China for 2 years. You both agreed to it so learn some Chinese, eat worms, inhale the pollution, take your shoes off, listen to that annoying accent, smoke, tolerate brown nylons, have no idea if someone’s mad at you, and watch dogs bleed to death. Now, with kids you get at least some breaks where they’re napping and you’re not in China anymore so reality is actually much kinder than this analogy. When your kid is one, your wife could basically be a racist gay man with AIDS that snores like a cow and punches at least one hole in the wall a day. That’s what your committing to when you jizz inside her.

I know someone that went to jail for 2.5 years for bullshit. He sucked it up and made the most of it. You can’t hang out with a giggling ball of dough who gets a little grumpy when teeth tear through his gums like an alien out of Sigourny Weaver’s stomach? Fuck you.

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3 Responses to “DEADBEAT DADS”

  1. Loria Sheppeard Says:

    You blog seriously made me laugh…. perfect way of putting everything. From TV to deadbeat dads… fantastic!

  2. Jamizzle Says:

    Be realistic. Sometime you just gotta get the fuck out for your own sanity.
    Half my friends who had kids left their wives within a year of the first kid. I almost did too. All of our wives went collectively psycho. One friend’s wouldn’t let his family in the house to visit his dad in the nearby hospital because they were too “dirty” and the baby might get sick.
    All of them went from loving people to “You don’t make enough money” “You are a bad father/husband/provider/etc.” and of course absolutely no-fucking-sex-anytime.
    I stuck with the alien being that my wife has become, but we’re going on four years now with no sex and no love. Yay for being a dad!

  3. jones Says:

    your portrayal of fatherhood is so much more entertaining than anything you could possibly ever say about a hipster in a long tshirt and heels.

    p.s. FUCK DEADBEAT DADS.

    they have no idea what a whore their daughter is going to be in college because they couldn’t deal with quitting coke in ’86 (it was so passe but that time anyway!).

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