SLEEPING BEAUTY IS RETARDED

by

Maleficent3.jpg

My daughter wanted me to tell her the story of the Three Bears without the aid of a book to guide me and I realized I totally forgot how that goes. I looked it up and was stunned to see how lame it is. Do you know the plot to that story? Like all children’s stories in America, it takes place in the forest with some German looking girl wandering around and getting into trouble (could Disney be more German please? Even fucking Mickey Mouse wears lederhosen.) This girl stumbles upon a bears’ house and, after going inside and checking out some of their stuff, she falls asleep. Then they get home and are mad so she leaves. The End.

I find it almost impossible to get through these bedtime stories without yawning my fucking ass off. I swear to God I’m up to about a yawn every page. Especially when she wants to hear the same book again and again.

One of the hardest stories to get through is the seemingly never ending Sleeping Beauty. Do you know that plot to that shlavente goot (German for “sleep well”)? A princess is born and they have a huge party in the castle that everyone comes to. An evil witch who can turn herself into a dragon and kill everyone is furious she wasn’t invited. Have a look at her. Apparently, this morphing creature has never NOT been invited to a birthday party (hole 1). So she curses the child to die at 16 by pricking her finger on a loom. Faeries think this is too harsh and lower the punishment to eternal sleep at 16 (hole 2). You can tweak curses? This story sucks already and we’re on page 3. So the king decides to burn every loom in the village and then banish his daughter to the woods until she’s 16.1. Faeries accompany her but commit to not using magic so as not to draw attention to themselves. All right, fine. I guess this is going to work but what about their other kids? Is the witch coming to the next party? Is the king still going to cum in his wife or is it not worth the headache?

So, the plan works and for 16 years she picks berries and sings and befriends birds. She even runs into a prince (thank god it wasn’t dragon lady. That would have been The End.) On her 16th birthday the faeries decide to bake a cake for her and make  her a dress and tell her she’s actually a princess. They get frustrated doing it as mortals even though they’ve been mortal for 16 years and they bust out their wands at the last second (hole 3). Huh? You can’t wait a few more fucking hours you stupid bitches? You’ve been waiting 16 years for this curse to be lifted and you’re going to bust out your wands at this stage in the game. There’s 140,160 hours in 16 years and you are going to risk it all in the last 6? Why are they even having a fucking party for her? How about we celebrate after 16 years and one day when we actually have something to celebrate?

So these cows get discovered by the witch at the 11.99999999th hour and lo and behold, Sleeping Beauty pricks her finger on a loom and “dies.” The rigamarole that ensues includes, putting the entire village to sleep, turning the entire forest into flaming bramble, slaying a fucking gigantic, fire-breathing dragon, and a bunch of other apocalyptic shit. All because these dumb bitches couldn’t keep it in their pants. What kind of story is that? I guess the moral to this story is patience but if that’s the case, the faeries should have their heads bowed at the end with the king and queen screaming at them. At least that would make a pube of sense.

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8 Responses to “SLEEPING BEAUTY IS RETARDED”

  1. Clift Note Says:

    Brilliant recap!

  2. ty Says:

    ALL that shit is retarded. Listen. My daughter’s seven and I’ve had to deal with Miley Cyrus and High School Musical. RETARDED TO THE NTH, SON.

    She was raised on Devo, Queen, White Stripes, pre-’78 Aerosmith, and Led Zeppelin. She knows that shit but is in a RETARDED phase (and thank g-d she has that shit on her iPod to reference).

    Kids today are retarded.

    I thought I was gonna save her soul here but Disney out bid me.

  3. Koreanish Says:

    Falling asleep while telling stories is brutal.

    Starting with a picture book and then turning the lights down and telling repetitive stories until my son would be asleep was the formula that worked in our house. Something to note is that it is possible to fall asleep mid-sentence, and then the story can go seamlessly from Goldilocks to papa’s sleep talk.

    Watch out for this, cause it can get weird if the kid is still listening. “And then Goldilocks tried the second bed and water-is-running-on-the-horse-Chelsea-open-the-cellar-door.” Insert your own weird dream talk.

    I was always worried I would drift off and say something sexual or curse, but as far as I know it never happened.

  4. M Says:

    Everyone,

    This is a children’s story,

    it’s not about what YOU like reading to your kids.

    Do you really want them exposed to all of the heavy metal crap that is out. ^^?????

    NO.

    You guys must have nothing better to do than to complain about how much you dislike Sleeping Beauty. Very interesting lives.

  5. Courtney Says:

    I’m glad that I scrolled back up and saw that you were a male before I asked who raped your childhood of imagination. I randomly came across your post while looking at pictures of Maleficent for Halloween and I’m pretty bummed out on your ranting. Hopefully you don’t use the same type of language around your daughter, it’s a little repetitive, you sound like the sister with turrets syndrome on Dexter. Secondly, it’s pretty common knowledge that the majority of “fairy tales” originated as German folklore and were then put into books by the Grimm Brothers and Hans Christian Andersen so I’m a little surprised that you would try and make racial accusations towards Disney on your attempted pseudo-intellectual blog. Maybe you should do a little more research or at least critical thinking before making your holier than thou accusations — and maybe take into account that in their quest for political correctness Disney has incorporated mythology from a wide variety of ethnic backgrounds and are releasing a new movie with a black princess this month. And third, do you really expect to enjoy reading the same books as your daughter? I really don’t think anything by Tom Clancy or Cormac McCarthy would be appropriate.

  6. Mike Says:

    Actually most of the stuff complained about here is shit that Disney stuck in to drag a five-minute bedtime story into an 80-minute movie they could then cut back down into a five-minute bedtime book. It always pissed me off how Disney would fuck with classic stories, but it’s even worse now that I have to read them in book form. Maybe next time I’ll tell my son that Cinderella’s step-sister was NOT named Drizella and she certainly did NOT have a whole entourage of talking animals. Or maybe I’ll just tell him that he’s a damn boy and we’re going to ceremonially burn the pink book tonight.

  7. Kate Says:

    Wow. Way to ass-rape childhood and fantasy, douchebag. Nice to know you’re raising your daughter to be an angry bulldyke. Seriously, why so cynical? Did Mommy not take you to see the movie when you were a kid? I think maybe you could take one for the team to make your little girl happy. She’s a child, she’s not going to get the plot-holes and “racial” stereotypes. She wants her dad to show her a story that she can daydream about for however long her attention span lasts. Eventually, she’ll realize that THIS ISN’T REAL, and then she can adopt your pessimistic bullshit. Until then, please don’t fuck up your kid. Let there be fantasy.

  8. Falon Says:

    Wow…I am a huge Disney and Sleeping Beauty fan but this post was FUNNY AS HELL! I sent the link to a bunch of people! I asked myself many of those questions while watching the DVD the other day and you posted them perfectly. I see a lot of women angry about the post. That is probably why it was meant for dads…moms are too uptight now a-days it looks like. Yes, I am a woman agreeing with this post…I love that you think critically even with fantasy stories and people need to get the sticks out of their butts and learn to laugh. This post was so freaking funny and so true. He never said he told these critiques to his daughter so don’t judge him as a dad for having an opinion. He said he read it to her many times. Learn to laugh. This was funny and well done! 🙂 Deal with it!

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