Is it just me or have you noticed dog owners get kind of pissed when you call their dog a dog? My mom has this crazy, old, single, friend (PS: Mom, I know she called herself SilverFox on that internet dating site. Please stop telling that story) who is always getting mad at everyone and sending these really involved emails to their whole gang. In a recent angry diatribe my mother was subjected to, there was a sentence in there that said, “And you called Chuck a dog’.” No joke. SilverFox took exception to the fact my mom accused her dog of being a dog.

So maybe this is clouding my judgement but I could swear dog owners have this weird thing about my daughter calling their dog a dog. This is how it goes: When Sophie and I are walking down the street and we see someone walking their dog, she will inevitably say something like, “That’s dog has big ears.” I will usually respond with something as benign as, “Yeah, big-eared doggie.” Simple right? Wrong. We have both done something terrible. You can feel it. It’s like speaking English in Montreal on St. Jean. We just accidentally confronted the elephant in the room and called a spade a spade. Oops!

When the word “dog” comes out of my human’s mouth, the dog owner’s face sinks until it becomes the basset hound she so adores. You can just hear her thinking, “Dog? That’s Quickdraw McGraw you fucking asshole. Do I call you and your stupid kid, “Big human with little human?” (That would be both funny and fine by the way, we are.)

Sorry lady but your dog is a dog. It’s been bred for thousands of years to get over its brawling wolf instincts and just love you unconditionally – forever. Of course you like it. Like everyone who licks your ass, it’s got great taste, right? Well, I’ve got some bad news for you. People are better than dogs. I know you read about a bad man in the NY Post and you heard Dick Cheney started a war blah blah blah… people still win the Darwin contest. A homeless man is of more value than your buddy from the Wild West. Chew on that!

Don’t get me wrong. I want a dog. I want a black English Staffordshire Bull Terrier I can call Muhammad (the kids will call it “Mo” for safety reasons). It’s the nanny of dogs, they say, but I have no misconceptions about what it is. It’s a dog. It’s not coming to bed with us. It’s probably not even going to be allowed on the couch. Shit, it should be honored to be allowed in the house. It’s a fucking dog. A dog!

All dogs can be traced back to wolves. Do you know what wolves do? They fight every fucking day, trying to take down the head guy, like a Glaswegian public school or a maximum security prison. All they know is fighting. We managed to convert that into eating. Wolves will eat once every three weeks or so. Dogs will eat themselves to death if you let them but it’s still the same basic animal. Did you know your dog is an animal?

There’s a whole other subtext going on here where NY is full of spinsters or people who can still have kids but are convinced they won’t and they think having kids is some kind of sell out. These people inevitably go into labor peacefully a few years later or spend fifteen thousand dollars on fertilization drugs trying to go into labor peacefully. For now however, they’d like to scoff at all us breeders and show us how easy it is to bring a “human” life into the world with a four tiny carbon footprints. How transparent.

No matter what the reasoning behind this weird vibe is, I happen to think it is fucking gay and I wish it would get more pronounced so I could call them on it.

Ha ha Quickdraw, you are a you.


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