A LETTER TO MY TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

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Christopher Hitchens wrote a very compelling letter to his young daughter about the existence of God but I can’t seem to find it so maybe it was Sam Harris. Oh wait, I just found it. It was Richard Dawkins.
The point is, the letter was heartfelt and moving and conveyed, in layman’s terms some very profound ideas about Faith and where the world is at. In the same spirit of love and honesty, I’d like to do the same.

Dearest Sophie,
It’s 2009 and we are living in troubling times. The economy consistently spirals lower than anyone could have ever predicted and our war with Islam shows no signs of slowing down. In the midst of this chaos, a surprising smell of Hope fills the air. We have our first African American president, an elegant Christian with a Muslim name and, at the risk of sounding naively optimistic, there is nowhere to go but up. This is why, at this turning point in your generation’s history, I’d like to get a few things off my chest.

1- Re: Hide and Seek
Are you fucking BLIND? You checked the laundry room twice and I was right there both times. It’s called 360 degrees, try it some time. Shit. I hope checking only two sides of a tiny room is not any indication of how thorough you’re going to be in the future because 50% is 1% away from a failing grade. Also, it’s “1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, Ready or not. Here I come” not “1,6,7, Here come.”

2- Re: Drawing
Why do you always have to fuck up my shit? It’s not easy drawing someone like Big Bird (which you asked me to do) and then – ppsshshsflflf – you draw a huge fucking crayon line right through it. Are you jealous? Don’t ask me to draw something if you’re not prepared to see it done well.

3- Re: Your Brother
Is this rocket science? He’s a fucking baby – do not hurt him. Why do we have to go back to this basic premise every single fucking day of your life?

4- Re: Again
Here’s a notion: How about after doing the same fucking joke a couple of dozen times we let sleeping dogs lie? I don’t mind pretending your shove sent me flying (it didn’t even come close to sending me flying by the way – I could barely feel it) but how many fucking times do we have to do the same joke again and again and again and again?

5- Re: Your Face
You have snot on your face. I tried wiping it but two new lines immediately come down to fill their place. The only way to prevent this is for you to actually blow when I put the tissue over your nose. Like, literally blow. Not just make sounds like you’re blowing your nose.

PS: It’s “strawberries” not “strawbobos” and it’s “Spongebob” not “Sumbum.”

From here.


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2 Responses to “A LETTER TO MY TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER”

  1. Saskia Says:

    man. hilarious.

  2. mary Says:

    wow… I just laughed SO hard at this. thanks

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