Mydadhomies

Good News – Bad News

Julius T. Leisure — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 16:22:40 +0000

The good news is that there’s is a ticket booth and a concession stand in my house now. I can see that definitely coming in handy.

The bad news is that it’s closed. What the hell?

2011 HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE ALTERNATE ENDING

Gavin McInnes — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:55:38 +0000

I ended the previous video on a happy note because I wanted it to go viral but it didn’t. This is how I wanted to end it.

2011 HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Gavin McInnes — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 16:13:21 +0000

I decided to take over for Santa this year and guess what, it went really, really, really, really, really, really, really, well.

The Preservation of Innocence in these Moderne Tymes

Julius T. Leisure — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:58:18 +0000

Gavin’s sweet post about childhood innocence (followed by a few back & forth emails with him on the topic) got me thinking about how we influence our children to become the people we really hope they will be. We try to provide opportunities and experiences that leave them both in awe of the world but never suckers who give all their money to cult leaders or Microsoft. There should be wonder and innocence for kids, it’s cute. Yet naivety is one of the very worst traits we could allow. It’s the opposite of cute.

I am both mindful and fearful that I’m creating a cynical, over-logical, jerk, egghead-of-a-loser math nerd who will be picked on (yet make billions and disavow me). There are just too many liberal Ph.D.-holding family members on the white side of her family. Fortunately, my side of the tree has few hustlers, gangsters, and con artists. I have hope for the well-balanced and well-adjusted offspring.

Does Beasley believe in ~~Santa~~ Dorothy? No-doy! That shit’s long played-out, son. God too. But she probably still believes in democracy, the poor, cute thing.

So when my beautiful, intelligent, lovely, and generous wife and child gave me a nice new MacBookPro for my birthday–I’m still amazed that they both care so much and also catch clues so well–It was a joyous moment for all since I had promised the kid–now 9 & a half–that I’d simply give her my old machine when I ever got go new one. Win-win, right?

But it wasn’t so easy. I had to remove all sorts of things she didn’t need to be involved with, from processor-intensive applications to cached images (oy!). From explicit music to bookmarks to dark-ish places, etc. I had to make a fully functioning computer kid friendly to, you know, protect her innocence. I even dumbed-down Firefox so when she’s looking for Dick’s Sporting Goods she doesn’t get something like this: [clicky for NSFW sample of what you get when you Google "dicks"] See what I mean? Too soon for that. Too soon to explain that.

I got that computer all spiffily reformat and configured for her. She was beaming. All full of Allstar Weekend songs and Good Luck Charlie videos. Sweet. Mission accomplished! I was beaming too.

But one day a couple of weeks after delivery, I used her new machine for something and decided to click on her browser history. Whoops! Kids are pretty curious, aren’t they? I guess one YouTube video leads to a long and perilous descent into dumb, sexualized, and injurious adventures.

Fortunately, or not, she appears to have an affinity for Fail Compilations so far. I was crestfallen that my kid was going to grow up to be a total jackass meth addicted loser!

I felt so bad for a while, too. I blamed myself. I even installed Net Nanny software to prevent her from wandering into the ugly areas of the net. We had a talk. I briefed the mother. But I was also relieved because it could have been much worse. She didn’t make it into anything too bad yet, thank goodness.

Today I used her computer to check an email and decided to check the history again. Just checking since I’m a parent, not being nosy or anything. I found nothing. I mean, I literally found nothing. She disabled the history function to cover her traces.

I am so proud! She’s growing up wonderfully.

DO THEY REALLY BELIEVE IN YOU KNOW WHO?

Gavin McInnes — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:59:19 +0000

We left this out for him last year and he barely touched it.

This is a tricky thing to discuss publicly because some kids are old enough to read but not old enough to um, know, about a certain thing involving a December event that defies physics. I am referring to a certain gentleman (besides Jesus) who dominates the holiday with spellbinding feats of generosity. Let’s call him “Dorothy.”

Do they really believe in this guy? On Saturday, I took my kids to a tree lighting ceremony where Dorothy was just standing there like it ain’t no thang. He had a bell in his hand and wasn’t really talking to anyone because the whole lap thing was going to happen afterwards. I pointed him out to my kids (3 and 5) and they could have given two shits. I don’t get that. If I threaten to call him when behavior is bad at home, they practically have a heart attack. This trick works any time of the year. Even in July. My daughter once said, “It’s weird how God is Santa’s boss.” They live in awe of his powers but when he’s standing three feet away, yawn.

Later, they got to sit on the lap of this person and they quietly listed a bunch of expensive toys they wanted and got off. It was as cold as a Russian serf picking up his monthly stipend for bread. How could they not be thrilled they were meeting someone who is one down from God? Then things got really weird. On the road above the event, a second Dorothy pulled up on the back of a flatbed truck. He had music blaring and lights galore as well as a whole posse of dancers who came out to meet the kids. Dorothy 1 just sat there at the bottom of the hill as everyone ran up to greet his doppelganger. Were the kids confused? Nope. It didn’t even register.

Now, my kids are not dim. They are very curious little creatures. When my dad started screaming in a rage at Woody earlier this year they both said, “Calm down Grandpa, it’s only a toy.” So why aren’t they asking questions about multiple Dorothies? And why don’t they care that he’s sitting right there?

Here’s my theory: They don’t literally believe the whole thing the way Born-Agains are said to believe there were never dinosaurs. Their Dorothy beliefs are a lot like your average Christian’s beliefs: Just a groovy kind of a love of the whole vibe of the thing with a perfumed pile of platitudes and a total aversion to specifics. My kids get excited about him making the rounds on the eve of the big day because it’s fun and they know it leads to presents. They line up and sit on his lap because that’s part of the custom. They don’t really think that’s the real guy sitting there. That’s why there are so few questions about what the hell he’s doing here at the busiest time of the year.

Of course, the only way to be 100% sure I’m right is to walk up to Dorothy, yank off his beard and yell, “THERE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT KIDS? INCONGRUOUS HUH!?” If they freak out, I’m wrong and they really do believe the whole story. If they shrug, I’m right and the whole thing is more of a ritual than a belief. And if you really do do this, I will kill you. (Ha! I said doodoo.)

MASTERVILLIAN? MORE LIKE MASTERPUSSY

Gavin McInnes — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 17:48:11 +0000

Hey Dr. Octopus, my son and I were just watching a cartoon of you. In this episode, you spent “months” masterminding a plan to steal a five million dollar ruby. Months? Five million dollars? Why the fuck does Kool Keith like you so much? You are an IDIOT. Look behind you. See those eight robotic arms you invented? Patent them. The construction and military contracts alone would make five million dollars look like a kooky weekend in Rio.

How could you not know that? Is patenting your invention not evil enough? Fine, take the money you make and use it for evil. Take over some African country and I don’t know, use human beings for drug testing or some shit like Kim Jong-il does. There. You just made another $100 billion.

Honestly, watching you on TV this morning struggle like hell and get your ass kicked by a guy with radioactive blood had me shaking my head in disbelief. You’re like T.I. bragging that he’s “Worth a couple hundred grand.” So’s a kindergarten teacher, jackass.

The only possible explanation I can think of is you like fighting Spider-Man because you like being with him. That’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but it is. I suggest you give up this whole mastermind villain thing because you’re less intimidating than a high school bully and you can’t seem to handle 9th grade math.

What’s Marijuana?

Julius T. Leisure — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 20:52:36 +0000

The child, Ms. Beasley Korsakov, likes the TeeVee show, SURVIVOR™. That’s OK, she can have her little TeeVee adventures and witness interesting social situations all she wants. Both of her parents are psychologists, so it’s all fine and nearly educational.

One of the contestants this season is a fella named Jim who happens to own a couple of marijuana dispensaries, bless his heart. He also plays competitive poker, but that’s neither here nor there.

The kid cranked up the old DVR after today’s homework, started watching and asked, “What’s marijuana?”

Well the answer came easy (something like this):

“Marijuana is a plant that some people eat or, like tobacco, smoke. Marijuana makes some people feel really good kind of like alcohol and it can make some people feel really loopy or just sleepy. It’s considered a medicine by a lot of people and an illegal drug by others. There are a bunch of states where it’s basically legal to possess. And it IS legal to possess or purchase in some other states if you have a prescription from a doctor for pain or anxiety or cancer or AIDS or anorexia. It’s a big industry now and is basically socially accepted.

Marijuana use–like gay marriage–will more than likely be perfectly legal and accepted when you’re an adult. Some people believe that marijuana is bad, especially for children (which I agree). Like many things that are for legal adults (alcohol, cigarettes, gambling), children shouldn’t consume marijuana. Some people believe marijuana leads to the use of other drugs that are actually harmful. But scientific research suggests that there are other factors exclusive of marijuana consumption that lead people to harmful drug use.

So Jim on SURVIVOR™ runs two shops where people who have prescriptions from doctors can legally buy marijuana to use to help them feel better. It’s just another job of a reality show contestant.”

She goes, “Oh. I’m going to watch now.” [In a perfect world or quality sit-com, her reply would've been, "does it make you ramble like you're giving a college lecture?] I’m relieved we had that talk now.

But I now realize that explaining marijuana to a kid makes it seem like at some point someone really had a whole social and legal over-reaction to marijuana for reasons that seem quaint now.

We have real problems in this existence. Pot, for the most part, is quite insignificant.

TWO COOL TOYS

Gavin McInnes — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 12:19:15 +0000

When I was a kid, we’d catch grasshoppers and put them in a grass-filled shoebox with holes poked in the top. You couldn’t see what was going on in there and the only way to check on your prisoners without letting them escape was to wait until they died. When we graduated to frogs and snakes, letting them die in a box is the stuff baby sister’s tears are made of. Even at that early age we knew being an amphibian was not a capital offence so, we’d catch some frogs, stare at their petrified faces for a while, and let them go. BOOOOORIIIIING.

The kids today get something about 360 times cooler. It’s a natural habitat that perfectly mimics the forest and provides a feeding hole you can stick bugs in. We got ours for $25 at WalMart but Amazon always has these things $5 cheaper.

The frog (or toad or snake or salamander or turtle) can cool off in the pond and later bask on a fake stump. When he starts to get really comfortable, he can feast on all the bugs you caught. Feeding them bread or processed food constipates them to death so you need to make sure they only get bugs. That’s where the second, drastically more awesome part comes in. We bought this laser bug vac with the habitat and you use it to vacuum bugs into a special chamber where the kids can look at them through a built in magnifying glass for as long as they want (which is a long ass time). Then you plug the bug chamber into the habitat and the bugs have no choice but to crawl out into the frog’s lair where they will eventually be consumed. The kids are fascinated by this process and it’s changed the way they feel about being in the country. Nature walks used to be a spectator sport where we’d walk through the forest like we were visiting the aquarium. Now the kids get their knees dirty and scour the forest floor for critters. Frogs and bugs aren’t gross to them anymore. One is cute and the other is food.

My kids were 2 and 3 when I got these toys and I tended to not let them handle the Bug Vac part of the process. It has too many pieces to lose and they would squeeze the vacuum trigger for so long, it would drain the batteries. Besides, it’s too fun to share. After stalking prey for a while, I started to understand why animals are so into hunting. I went from being annoyed by bugs in the house to thinking, “Oh, that looks delicious” and grabbing my weapon. The kids are 3 and 4 now and the Bug Vac is still Daddy’s toy. When it gets dark, we go to the porch light where dozens of confused bugs fly around in circles and I catch at least 20. We attach the canister on to the habitat every half-dozen bugs or so and the kids stare wide-eyed as the insects crawl into the unknown.

By morning, the bugs are gone and all the amphibians in the tank are wearing sweatpants and belching.

Most amphibians get stressed out easily and can even have heart attacks so it gets uncomfortable watching the kids manhandle these poor bastards. Salamanders seem particularly vulnerable but after a few tries, I realized getting the kids to take it easy on the creatures is a big part of the learning process. Today they handle everything so delicately, frogs and salamanders often wiggle free. They’ve also learned to get these cold- blooded vertebrate animals in the tank as soon as possible to minimize the panic.

If you’re particularly soft, you might feel bad about seeing this poor guy locked in a Plexiglas jail. Especially when the kids keep moving it around to get a better look. I felt this way at first but once the prisoners experience a 12-hour buffet, you’ll have trouble getting them to leave. After reaching in and pulling one salamander out after a night of endless feeding, I caught him crawling all over the thing hours later trying to get back in. The recidivism on this thing takes away the guilt of locking them up.

This obviously isn’t a city toy because even if you’re lucky enoughto find a frog, the odds of you finding enough bugs to feed it are low but if you’re spending any time in the country, this is a great way to make hanging out with you way more fun as you make nature way less weird.

Teeth

Julius T. Leisure — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 13:52:49 +0000

Holding Hands With Beasley

Julius T. Leisure — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 21:24:03 +0000

So Beasley, now nine, and I had to take a walk to pick up some pottery thing she made last week. It was back from glazing and she wanted to see it. Besides it killed some time where she’d be watching TeeVee or reading or doing math or something.

It’s hot today; like high-90s plus humidity hot. As we walked and talked, she reached out to hold my hand early on. Now, it’s far too damn hot to hold anybody’s hand by at least 25 degrees, but I didn’t let go. I realized that there’s going to be a time where she does not reach out to hold my hand for a half-hour walk (in 100+ degree heat-index heat or not). She just won’t. There’s going to come a time where holding my old, no-nothing hand will be the very last thing on her to-do list. I realize that. I’m not that big a dummy.

So I let her hold my hand. And I held her’s back. I’d periodically let mine slip and she’d reach out to take it again.

So we walked and talked and held hands in the heat. And I loved every moment.